COMMON MISTAKES IN RELATIONSHIP; CAUSES, EFFECTS AND REMEDIES
Part 2: IGNORING RED FLAGS
By Oboghene J. J.
Relationships are complicated and often never perfect because both partners are humans with flaws and are also struggling to balance who they are. We will be highlighting some quirks that are bright red flags flapping violently in the wind that simply must be acknowledged.
A new relationship always seems perfect especially when one or both parties involved are in haste to settle down. The desire to settle could be so intoxicating that many consciously or subconsciously ignore signs that should warn them of dangers that would definitely arise if they eventually end up with the potential partner.
So, it is important to find someone who is compatible, that both partners can love each other despite their flaws. Yet it must be clearly understood that there is a big difference between a slight personality flaw and a serious problem.
Definition: A red flag is something that the other partner does in a relationship that flags a potential problem, either immediately or later into the future.
A red flag is a warning signal. Just like the traffic light urging you to STOP! A red flag is also a caution signal to STOP and pay close attention.
It alerts one to key characteristics to watch out for as they can make a relationship grows from challenging to a nightmare.
Reasons Red Flags Are Associated To Some Persons –
Issues of trust – Some persons just cannot trust anyone no matter what.
Issues with anger – Uncontrolled anger is a blow to any relationship.
Unstable emotional state – If someone suffered emotional harassment from the past and is yet to heal.
Severe personality disorders – Extreme and paranoid personalities disorder with mental health implications.
Unrefined character – Very immature in mind.
Issues with respecting others and their opinions
Holding to false and wrong beliefs about relationships
Some Of The Red Flags To Pay Attention To In Relationship.
– Lack trust and communication
– Compares present partner with their exes
– Never apologize when wrong and wait for their partner to fix every fight
– Thinks all their exes are crazy
– Talk about their exes too frequent
– Use ultimatum to get their way
– You are not comfortable with their choice of friends
– They cut you off from family and friends
– They keep scores of all they have done for you and every mistake you made
– They feel they are doing you a favour being in a relationship with you
– They want the relationship to be a secret
– They are not open to you and keeps many secrets.
– They don’t get along with people
– Tell half truths and lie to others
– Always throw temper tantrums over little things
– Make you feel you are not up to their standard
– They treat their family poorly
– They make rules over you
– They refuse to get close to your family
– Constantly needing reassurance to remain in the relationship.
– They have no work ethics
– They say, they always get what they want
– They are completely different person after honeymoon phase
– Others seems to be more important to them
– Thinking totally out of the world
– Bullying into submission with guilt
– Their core values are extremely different
– They go out all the time without you
– Treat people of low social status poorly
– Make negative comments about everything
– They make excuses to avoid you
– Never accept their faults, instead blame others
– If they flirt with you when they still had a partner
– They don’t show interest in what important to you
– They don’t appreciate you and your efforts
– They are extremely moody
– All their friends are of the opposite sex
– They often preach that they are independent
– They have double standard
– They spend too much time on social media
– They are obsessed with fairy tale endings
– They have a history of heavy drinking
– They care about things that is not directly affecting them
– Their relationship history is rocky
– They don’t respect your boundaries
– Their family don’t think it will last
– They often verbally and physically abuse you
– They project their traits on you
– They fight over little things
Why Do People Ignore Red Flags In Their Relationship
It is crystal clear that the relationship is struggling to survive, there seems to be no hope for the future, yet people still dive headlong into the relationship putting all effort to may it work out. Why? It is complicated by love, devotion and sacrifices. Fears and denial of intuition are underlying factors of remaining quiet.
– Tired of being single
– Carried away by looks, financial stability and security
– Always just fall for the wrong partners
– A professional justifier; giving excuses for their actions
– Focus on the partner potentials even when all seems wrong about the partner
– Don’t know any better – you value yourself but just don’t know anything better than what you have
– Holding unto their good qualities and turning a blind eye to unbearable red flags.
Effects of Red Flags On Relationships
– It causes strain in relationship
– It causes the affected partner to be unhappy
– It stagnates relationship
– It forces the affected partner to consider other alternatives
– It makes a partner feel cheated
– It affects the social relationship of the affected partner
– It kills the relationship
If your partner is the one with the problem;
1. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring red flags. Once noticed, it should be dealt with it via communication, if it cannot be resolved, then better options are considered.
2. Listen to you gut. Believe your intuitions, work with it. Don’t force it, ensure you are in peace.
3. Don’t let looks or any other attraction keep you in bond with anyone if you can’t stand the red flags.
4. Be willing to walk away. If you can’t put up with the warning signal and every effort to help the situation fails, just be bold to take a walk, it easier when its still early.
If you are the one with the problem:
5. You got to tell yourself the truth, that is when the healing process starts.
6. Work on those issues, be more deliberate about fixing it.
7. Consult a counsellor to help you deal with the challenging situation.
It is of importance to know that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws which need understanding and communication to fix if a relationship is to work out well. However, when it goes beyond just flaws and grows to serious red flags, close attention must be given to handle it right away.
Just as a reminder “flaws are not red flags”.