{"id":3337,"date":"2020-11-02T20:47:28","date_gmt":"2020-11-02T19:47:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/towncryyers.com\/?p=3337"},"modified":"2020-11-02T20:47:34","modified_gmt":"2020-11-02T19:47:34","slug":"how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Recognize\u2014And Respond To\u2014A Fake Apology"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Before accepting an apology, you first have to determine if it&#8217;s genuine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">By Molly Howes Ph.D.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Suppose someone apologizes to you for harm they\u2019ve caused, and it doesn\u2019t quite \u201cland.\u201d Maybe it doesn\u2019t sound entirely sincere\u2014or you get a vague sense that the person delivering it just wants to wrap it up, but you\u2019re not yet ready to move on. Or maybe they offer any of these notoriously bad ways to make amends:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>A statement that contains a \u201cbut\u201d (\u201cI\u2019m sorry, but\u2026\u201d) invalidates the&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/ca\/basics\/forgiveness\">apology<\/a>.<\/li><li>Similarly, \u201cif\u201d (\u201cI\u2019m sorry if\u2026\u201d) suggests that your hurt may not have happened.<\/li><li>Vague wording (\u201cfor what happened\u201d) fails to take personal responsibility.<\/li><li>Passive voice (\u201cthe mistake that you were affected by\u201d) is squirming out of responsibility, too.<\/li><li>Too many words, explanations, and justifications crowd the picture.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As I write this, I struggle with the term \u201cfake apologies,\u201d because of course, no one can know for sure what\u2019s in the heart of another person. But if you\u2019re the recipient, you somehow have to figure out whether or not to accept an apology, which is hard to do if you feel uneasy and mistrustful and just can\u2019t tell if it\u2019s genuine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" data-attachment-id=\"3339\" data-permalink=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/white-sticky-note-with-sorry-message-and-red-push-pin-on-yellow-background\/\" data-orig-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?fit=1024%2C512&amp;ssl=1\" data-orig-size=\"1024,512\" data-comments-opened=\"1\" data-image-meta=\"{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;Getty Images\\\/iStockphoto&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;High quality 3d render of a white sticky note with red push pin  on yellow background. Sorry writes on sticky note and it is casting soft shadows on yellow background. Horizontal composition with copy space. To Do List concept.&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;This content is subject to copyright.&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;White Sticky Note With Sorry Message And Red Push Pin On Yellow Background&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}\" data-image-title=\"White Sticky Note With Sorry Message And Red Push Pin On Yellow Background\" data-image-description=\"\" data-image-caption=\"&lt;p&gt;High quality 3d render of a white sticky note with red push pin  on yellow background. Sorry writes on sticky note and it is casting soft shadows on yellow background. Horizontal composition with copy space. To Do List concept.&lt;\/p&gt;\n\" data-medium-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?fit=300%2C150&amp;ssl=1\" data-large-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?fit=1024%2C512&amp;ssl=1\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?resize=1024%2C512&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3339\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?w=1024&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?resize=300%2C150&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/apology-sorry.jpg?resize=768%2C384&amp;ssl=1 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For starters, a few words of regret usually won\u2019t carry enough weight to build (or rebuild) trust. The words \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d are not a magic incantation that instantly inspires faith in someone. If you\u2019re not interested in repairing the relationship in question, you don\u2019t have to worry about whether the apology attempt is sincere. Just move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But,&nbsp;<em>if there is some trust between you<\/em>, you probably don\u2019t want to give up too easily. If you value the relationship, you have to determine whether or not this apology is an attempt to manipulate you and misrepresent feelings of regret. The question here concerns the person\u2019s motives. (We\u2019ll get to other kinds of inadequate apologies below.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The potential apology could be less than sincere in any number of ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>He says the right words, but they\u2019re\u00a0<em>pro forma<\/em>\u00a0(acting as required, but absent any real feeling for hurt he caused).<\/li><li>She simply wants the problem she created to disappear (but doesn\u2019t care about healing your hurt).<\/li><li>He wants to avoid negative consequences of hurtful actions or inaction (rather than wanting to take responsibility for them).<\/li><li>They don\u2019t believe they\u2019re responsible but want interpersonal \u201ccredit\u201d for making amends (putting you in the position of being the one causing a problem, e.<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/ca\/basics\/intelligence\">g<\/a>., \u201cI said I was sorry\u2014why are you holding a grudge?\u201d).<\/li><li>She believes she\u2019s done something harmful, and is preoccupied with her own\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/ca\/basics\/guilt\">guilt<\/a>\u00a0and only wants to alleviate that (rather than healing your hurt or repairing the relationship).<\/li><li>As they stand, these approaches are all pretty much doomed to fail. Unless they\u2019re vastly improved, you won\u2019t be healed and the relationship won\u2019t be repaired.<\/li><li>You always may refuse to accept any inadequate apology. That\u2019s your prerogative.<\/li><li>But, if you care about the person and you want to hold onto the relationship, you probably want to be sure about the person\u2019s sincerity. What if the apology attempt is what I might call\u00a0<em>inept but well-meaning<\/em>? Many would-be apologizers fall on their faces, not because of insincerity but because they simply don\u2019t know how.<\/li><li>How can you determine the difference?<\/li><li>My suggestion: In order to find out if he means his unconvincing \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d\u00a0<em>give him a second chance to do it right<\/em>\u00a0and see what happens. Naturally, the key here is that you have to know what would be an effective apology, so you know what to ask for.<\/li><li>A Good Apology<\/li><li>Saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d is rarely the first part of a good apology. Before\u00a0<em>saying<\/em>\u00a0anything, the other person has to understand your hurt. Usually, that means\u00a0<em>listening<\/em>. So, ask her to back up and let you tell her about your experience of hurt, about how her behavior has affected you.<\/li><li>In this Step One, nothing about the apologizer is relevant: not her good intentions, good character, history of kindness, etc. If she\u2019s not interested or unwilling to listen to you, you have discovered the shallowness of her regret. Her apology will remain partial and ineffective. If she can engage in a genuine attempt to understand, you are on your way to a real repair.<\/li><li>But that\u2019s only the first step! There are\u00a0<em>four things that have to happen<\/em>\u00a0for the apology to be real and effective. Each one is necessary and none is sufficient by itself. If you and your would-be apologizer go through this process together, your relationship will not only recover from this hurt; it will be stronger.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1024\" data-attachment-id=\"3340\" data-permalink=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/30200146_m\/\" data-orig-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&amp;ssl=1\" data-orig-size=\"1200,1200\" data-comments-opened=\"1\" data-image-meta=\"{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;0&quot;}\" data-image-title=\"30200146_m\" data-image-description=\"\" data-image-caption=\"\" data-medium-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?fit=300%2C300&amp;ssl=1\" data-large-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?fit=1024%2C1024&amp;ssl=1\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m-1024x1024.jpg?resize=1024%2C1024&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3340\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?resize=1024%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?resize=300%2C300&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?resize=150%2C150&amp;ssl=1 150w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?resize=768%2C768&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/30200146_m.jpg?w=1200&amp;ssl=1 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>The second step, to make a\u00a0<em>sincere statement of responsibility and\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/ca\/basics\/empathy\">empathy<\/a><\/em>, is much easier if Step One has taken place\u2014and much more convincing. Nonetheless, there are still several telltale ways for Step Two to go wrong, some of which appear in the beginning of this column. In my experience, most people need practice at these skills. If your apologizer has gotten this far with you, you can probably sense good-willed effort; nonetheless, your relationship will benefit from your holding high standards for this step.<\/li><li>The third step requires the person to\u00a0<em>make restitution<\/em>, that is, to make up for the wrong or hurt. In relationships, these reparations can take the form of a \u201cdo-over,\u201d a chance to get right what the person got wrong the first time. Often a sense of what needs to be done is reached via\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/ca\/basics\/teamwork\">collaboration<\/a>\u00a0with you. Making it right requires a person to put her words or intentions into action. Reluctance to try again or to extend herself in this way is another sign that your apologizer isn\u2019t really interested in making a thorough apology.<\/li><li>But Step Four,\u00a0<em>making sure it doesn\u2019t happen again<\/em>, is the pudding in which the proof lies. To be a trustworthy apologizer, the person has to change their ways or the conditions that led to the initial problem. Good intentions\u2014or avowals to that effect\u2014are easy, but rarely enough. It will take time for you to see if a true change has taken place, but a convincing plan helps you stay motivated to see it through.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Making your way through this process is energy-intensive for you both and its outcome only fully reveals itself over time. But if your apologizer follows these four steps, they will convince you of their sincerity. It\u2019s the only way to know for sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Originally published at Psychology Today<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Before accepting an apology, you first have to determine if it&#8217;s genuine. By Molly Howes Ph.D. Suppose someone apologizes to you for harm they\u2019ve caused, and it doesn\u2019t quite \u201cland.\u201d Maybe it doesn\u2019t sound entirely&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3338,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[953,954],"class_list":["post-3337","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-polity-politics-governance","tag-apology","tag-fake-apology"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How To Recognize\u2014And Respond To\u2014A Fake Apology - Towncryyers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How To Recognize\u2014And Respond To\u2014A Fake Apology - Towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Before accepting an apology, you first have to determine if it&#8217;s genuine. By Molly Howes Ph.D. Suppose someone apologizes to you for harm they\u2019ve caused, and it doesn\u2019t quite \u201cland.\u201d Maybe it doesn\u2019t sound entirely...\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/towncryyers\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-11-02T19:47:28+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-11-02T19:47:34+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/\u201cI-didn\u2019t-mean-to-be-insensitive-even-the-best-of-us-make-mistakes\u201d-\u2013-Desmond-Elliot-apologises-to-Nigerians-tsbnews.com1_.jpg?fit=1387%2C708&ssl=1\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1387\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"708\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Editor\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Editor\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Editor\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/#\/schema\/person\/b58f6e32cc8c7149bbc499b7bb0e3343\"},\"headline\":\"How To Recognize\u2014And Respond To\u2014A Fake Apology\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-11-02T19:47:28+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-11-02T19:47:34+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/\"},\"wordCount\":1124,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/towncryyers.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/%E2%80%9CI-didn%E2%80%99t-mean-to-be-insensitive-even-the-best-of-us-make-mistakes%E2%80%9D-%E2%80%93-Desmond-Elliot-apologises-to-Nigerians-tsbnews.com1_.jpg?fit=1387%2C708&ssl=1\",\"keywords\":[\"Apology\",\"Fake Apology\"],\"articleSection\":[\"POLITY\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-CA\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/02\/how-to-recognize-and-respond-to-a-fake-apology\/\",\"name\":\"How To Recognize\u2014And Respond To\u2014A Fake Apology - 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