{"id":4369,"date":"2021-03-28T12:15:44","date_gmt":"2021-03-28T11:15:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/towncryyers.com\/?p=4369"},"modified":"2021-03-28T12:16:52","modified_gmt":"2021-03-28T11:16:52","slug":"how-to-let-go-of-an-old-regret","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/28\/how-to-let-go-of-an-old-regret\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Let Go Of An Old Regret"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we don’t confront the past, we can be haunted by sadness and self-blame.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Greater Good Science, UC Berkeley’s online scientific publication<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Christine Carter<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recently, I went to high school Back-to-School night with my first husband, Mike, and we ran into a colleague of his I\u2019d never met before. \u201cThis is Christine,\u201d Mike said brightly, and then he hesitated. \u201cMy, um, my\u2026ex-wife.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As soon as we walked away, he apologized. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry for introducing you as my ex-wife. It\u2019s such an ugly term. I should have just said you were Molly\u2019s mom, but he doesn\u2019t know Molly, so I wasn\u2019t sure what to say.\u201d We have been divorced for ten years; we\u2019ve both been re-married for five. I harbor no ill feeling about being called Mike\u2019s ex-wife, but I was touched by his sensitivity and kindness. At the end of the evening, he even opened my car door for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mike is just such a nice guy. We get along so well now that you\u2019d never know that our relationship was once high-conflict, marred by anger and criticism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have hundreds of old narratives about what went wrong in our marriage, but I\u2019ve never been quite sure which one is true, which one to believe. The narrative that haunts me the most is the one in which our divorce was my fault. I was too critical of Mike; I provoked too much conflict. I should have seen that my complaints about him were actually things I didn\u2019t like about myself. I should have accepted that romance would inevitably fade, and, at the same time, I should have worked harder to keep the romance alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This narrative is laced with the fear that I behaved selfishly, and, as a consequence, I\u2019ve harmed my kids irreparably. It inspires shame and regret, launching me down a slippery slope of self-criticism that leaves me feeling like I\u2019m not good enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been thinking about this all week. September 10th was Rosh Hashanah, the first day of the Jewish New Year. My husband, Mark, who for the record is just as nice a guy as Mike, is Jewish, and I go with his family to services at their temple. For ten days after Rosh Hashanah, Jews show sorrow and regret for wrong done in the previous year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I must have some catching up to do, because when I was reflecting on my regrets about this past year, I felt sorrow for mistakes I made a decade ago. It\u2019s not that I regret my divorce; I don\u2019t. I do believe it was the right thing for our family. But I could see clearly what I would do differently now, given the chance. It was time to let go of some old regrets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over the last 10 days, I moved through a few steps that have each been helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Forgiving myself<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday was the \u201cDay of Atonement,\u201d and it brought me some peace. I\u2019d been reading about self-forgiveness, and Rick Hanson\u2019s recommendations unlocked something in me. He advises us to acknowledge the facts surrounding the circumstances or behavior we regret, including those that are hard to face. I let myself remember the divorce, and all the people that it affected, both then and now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, I thought about my mistakes. But Hanson recommends distinguishing between our moral failings and simple unskillfulness. This step was a huge revelation to me. As I look back on my failed marriage, I see a mess of unskillfulness. Even things that might be perceived by others as immoral\u2014to some people, divorce itself is immoral\u2014seemed to me to stem from my own lack of certain emotional skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It turns out that the list of things I\u2019d do differently wasn\u2019t that long. Ten years ago, I simply didn\u2019t have the skills I needed to keep my marriage together. There is an innocence there that is easy to forgive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Taking accountability<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This sort of self-reflection can be really productive. It\u2019s important to take accountability for our mistakes and our failings, and to repair the hurt we cause other people. How else can we do better?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seeing that I behaved unskillfully allows me to take responsibility for mistakes that I made, rather than clinging to my judgments and justifications. At the same time, it helps me not let my mistakes define who I am. I am more than my missteps and bad habits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It also gives me somewhere to go: I can practice now the skills I needed then. This approach helps me respond when well-meaning people\u2014observing how well Mike and I now parent together\u2014wonder out loud if we ever regret getting divorced. We are different people now than we were then. Getting divorced gave us ample opportunity to practice more skillful ways of relating to one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Practicing acceptance<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s something I\u2019ve learned the hard way: Acceptance is the precursor to atonement. I\u2019ve finally surrendered resistance to my divorce and my unskillfulness, as well as the sorrow that I\u2019ve felt about it all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve also, finally, found peace in accepting that there is a lot I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know if the marriage would have worked if I\u2019d been more skillful. It\u2019s easier to think that there is no way it would have, so it doesn\u2019t matter what we did and didn\u2019t do. For ten years, I\u2019ve been constructing narratives that make my memories more black-and-white than they really are. These narratives provide me with certainty that I did the right thing. But only until they don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Certainty can be temporarily reassuring, but it can also turn on us, revealing its opposite. One minute I\u2019m sure that my marriage with Mike would never have worked; the next I\u2019m sure it could have, because look how well we get along now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Accepting uncertainty is such an underwhelming alternative to feeling certain that you did the right thing, even if feeling right doesn\u2019t last. But, ultimately, uncertainty is the lesser of two ills; as Voltaire wrote, \u201cDoubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do know one thing for certain, though: If I\u2019d made different choices ten years ago, I would not have the life I have now. It\u2019s a life that I love, one where I\u2019m happy and fulfilled. I love Mark and his big, loud Jewish family. I love our marriage, even when it\u2019s hard. I can\u2019t imagine life without my amazing stepchildren, whom I love and adore beyond reason. I know my daughters can\u2019t imagine life without their step-siblings and stepparents. It\u2019s a life that I would never consciously give up. But, ironically, it\u2019s one that I was giving up, unconsciously, every time I harbored those old fears and sorrows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Accepting the past and all its messiness has allowed me to let go of what I\u2019d actually already lost. Already I\u2019m better able to shift my gaze away from the past, to focus my attention on the present. The past, and my stories about the past, no longer feel relevant. There is no emotional hook. This, I\u2019ve come to believe, is atonement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Originally published at Thrive Global<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If we don’t confront the past, we can be haunted by sadness and self-blame. By Greater Good Science, UC Berkeley’s online scientific publication By Christine Carter Recently, I went to high school Back-to-School night with…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4370,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[10],"tags":[388,1277,1278],"class_list":["post-4369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","tag-mental-health","tag-regret","tag-self-blame"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow To Let Go Of An Old Regret - Towncryyers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/28\/how-to-let-go-of-an-old-regret\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How To Let Go Of An Old Regret - Towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If we don’t confront the past, we can be haunted by sadness and self-blame. 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