When we give honest feedback with empathy and kindness, we can help each other overcome challenges, grow, evolve, and unlock our potential.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nBy Marina Khidekel, Head of Content Development at Thrive Global<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The best pieces of feedback are the ones that show us where we need to course-correct, while also empowering us to make the change. Oftentimes, what makes that advice so effective is that it was delivered with compassionate directness. At Thrive, we define compassionate directness as empowering employees to speak up, give feedback, disagree, and surface problems, pain points and constructive criticism. And most importantly, we do it with compassion, empathy and understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We asked our Thrive community to share with us the best pieces of compassionately direct advice they\u2019ve received. Which of these resonates with you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ve noticed you aren\u2019t bringing your usual A-game.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cOne of the best pieces of feedback came from a mentor of mine, when she said to me, \u2018I\u2019ve noticed you aren\u2019t bringing your usual A-game, and some of your frustrations are showing in your demeanor. Do you think you might be burned out?\u2019 As an outsider, she could see my pain more clearly and she was totally right. I didn\u2019t answer in that moment, but thanked her for her observations. I sat with the question for a while. That simple question allowed me to note how exhausted I was and how stressed I was. I eventually left the position to prioritize my mental health, to gain back my independence, and to support my family. I was so grateful to her for giving me permission to feel and to question what was going on.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Jacqueline Kerr, San Diego, CA<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPeople want to connect to the real you.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cI was attending a program on behavioral science when my facilitator said to me, \u2018You are a great coach, but people don\u2019t always want to listen to the coach in you. They want to connect to the real you. They sometimes want your presence as a person and not a professional.\u2019 That piece of feedback hit me hard. It was an eye-opener in the most compassionate way, and I\u2019m grateful he was honest. Some life lessons are most effective when given with compassionate directness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Aakriti Agarwal, coach and organizational psychologist, Hyderabad, India<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to Type-A everything.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cI\u2019ve been through a lot of health challenges this past year. The treatments are varied, but being the overachiever that I am, I lament to my doctor often about the medical whack-a-mole I\u2019ve been playing all year. She gave me the most compassionately direct advice: \u2018You don\u2019t have to Type-A everything.\u2019 That advice stopped me dead in my tracks about how I\u2019ve been approaching my health challenges. Every little step in the right direction is OK. I may not get an A+ in everything, but I need to give myself permission and grace to know that I am doing the best I can to heal, and that\u2019s enough.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Joyel Crawford, leadership development coach and consultant, Westmont, NJ<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI know you\u2019re physically here, but it seems like you\u2019re not mentally here.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cI was on the cusp of a huge promotion when my father\u2019s cancer returned aggressively. I was trying to give the work and family my all and doing both poorly. A colleague pulled me aside and said in a soft voice, \u2018I know you\u2019re physically here, but you\u2019re not really here. Are you aware of the resources available to you to take some time off and focus on your family?\u2019 I soon after started a three-month family medical leave, and it remains the best decision I\u2019ve made in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Donna Peters, executive coach and M.B.A. Faculty, Atlanta, GA<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFocus on what you can control.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cMy mentor told me after a workshop that the best thing I can do for myself and those around me when things are this uncertain is to focus on what I can control, instead of worrying about things outside my control and that don\u2019t depend directly on me. This had such a massive impact on me and how I began showing up to everything I did. Shifting from a perspective that felt restrictive to a new view that felt liberating was a game-changer for me. This was the best and most honest advice I\u2019ve ever received.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Ana Jinga, integrative wellness educator, Calgary, AB, Canada<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShow me what you can do.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cAt the start of my aerospace engineering career, I was asked to create detailed concept drawings for newly proposed items. After many hours of hard work, the system locked up, losing many hours of work. The loss was devastating and my frustration was noticed by the team. My boss put his hand on my shoulder and said, \u2018Your hard work was not a total loss, even though you didn\u2019t back it up. I\u2019m not upset, and neither should you be because you were almost finished. You already know how to do it. I am sure it will be even better than your first draft. Now get to it and show me what you can do.\u2019 Those words were just what I needed to hear at that crushing moment. Even though I didn\u2019t believe him at the time, I was able to create another set of drawings in less time with better results.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Scott Miller, marketing director, Wilmington, DE<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll succeed if you stop people-pleasing.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cThe most compassionately direct advice I ever received was from a professor when I was in graduate school, about to embark on my first internship. Dr. Sharon told me I was codependent and I would get eaten alive by clients if I didn\u2019t get a grip. She was right. I thought I was just being nice, but I was disabling others from self-help and was stuck in a people-pleasing mindset. Fast forward many years, and now I have a book coming out on codependency recovery that helps others learn to be as good to themselves as they are to others. If not for Dr. Sharon\u2019s compassionate directness, this quest would not have led me to heal and help others.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Mary Joye, licensed mental health counselor, FL<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not acting like you deserve it \u2014 even though you know your stuff inside and out.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cWhen I first started my career in engineering, I was young, short, and female. I did not have an engineering degree or an MBA. I was surrounded by older, tall men with several technical degrees in their resumes. When I spoke, I was usually interrupted or ignored. I sat down with an engineering colleague to complain. He listened and said to me, \u2019It\u2019s not because you are a woman and short that people aren\u2019t paying attention to you. It\u2019s because you\u2019re not acting like you deserve it \u2014 even though you know your stuff inside and out.\u2019 It was true! I wasn\u2019t acting like I deserved success. I wasn\u2019t showing off my knowledge and talent because I was too scared. That feedback was a real wake-up call for me.I decided to look at my negative beliefs and change them. And once I did, I had momentum going for me and my self-confidence started to soar.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Rosemary Yeremian, engineering company president, Toronto, ON, Canada<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019re reluctant to speak up, which is a shame because when you do, you make some great points.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cA college professor of mine once showed me a letter of recommendation she had written for me. The application had asked her to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses. She wrote that my weakness was that I was reluctant to speak up in class, which she felt was a shame since I made some great points when I did. After she shared that feedback with me, I was never shy about speaking up in class again. And when students in my classes don\u2019t speak up enough, I pull them aside and give them the same direct and compassionate advice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Jill Goldenziel, professor, Washington, D.C.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMake the ask and then count to ten.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cAfter freelancing for 17 years, I recently re-entered the corporate world. As a fast-talking, high-energy Irish-Canadian, I know I can present like a well-meaning whirling dervish at times. A great piece of advice I received was to make the ask and then count to ten in my head, creating space for those around the table to marinate the ideas and offer their input. It\u2019s been an invaluable tool as I navigate fresh waters and continue my quest of lifelong learning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014Siobhan Kukolic, author, inspirational speaker and life coach, Toronto, ON, Canada<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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