The Research on Raising Great Kids<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Not all kids are raised by two parents, or necessarily by their biological parents at all, and these children are not at a disadvantage. But a large body of research on biological child-and-parent relationships within and across genders has highlighted a range of \u201cneeds\u201d mothers and fathers or other guardians are able to fulfill for children. Each represents one factor in what is always a complex connection between parent and child. If one of these items goes unmet, it does not mean that a child is in jeopardy or cannot have a satisfying relationship with parents or guardians, or with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What A Daughter Needs From Her Mom<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-confidence and body acceptance.<\/strong> Research suggests that a mother\u2019s sense of shame and rejection of her body is closely connected to her daughter\u2019s lack of confidence in her own body. Specifically, mothers who performed frequent surveillance of their own body (checking in the mirror, examining flaws, etc.) were more likely to raise daughters who did the same. This research team encouraged mothers to demonstrate to their daughters that \u201can adult woman\u2019s body is acceptable\u201d and to remember that body image\u2013related behaviors may be closely mirrored by daughters, especially if they resemble or share physical traits with their mothers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Emotional burden-sharing and physical comfort.<\/strong> In a study that measured stress levels using galvanic skin response, teenage girls were instructed to make a 3-minute impromptu educational speech, to simulate social stress and anxiety. Meanwhile, the girls\u2019 mothers were instructed either to hold their daughter\u2019s hand while she spoke or to sit silently next to her. Evidence from galvanic skin response data suggested that when a mother held her daughter\u2019s hand, the daughter did not experience as much anxiety during her speech as daughters whose mothers sat silently beside them. However, in mother-daughter pairs with reported high relationship quality, the emotional burden-sharing effect was felt even when physical contact was not present. The researchers concluded that confidence in a solid mother-daughter relationship may protect against emotional threats as robustly as does actual supportive physical touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Authoritative parenting.<\/strong> Parenting styles are typically categorized as authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, or uninvolved. Authoritative parents are pragmatic and flexible, setting clear boundaries but encouraging independence and employing supportive, not punitive, dicipline. In a study of adult daughters, authoritative parenting in childhood was linked to the development of positive cognitive schemas\u2014how someone thinks about herself and the world. For example, daughters who reported being raised by authoritative mothers were significantly less likely to hold schemas related to shame or defectiveness, social isolation, dependence on others, and external locus of control (the idea that one has minimal control over one\u2019s life experience), which have all been linked to the development of mental and behavioral health problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n High, but not impossible, expectations.<\/strong> Researchers who tracked a group of daughters for over 20 years found that a mother\u2019s belief in her 10-year-old daughter\u2019s ability to finish schooling on time predicted the daughter\u2019s self-reported sense of control over her life when she was 30. This effect remained significant even after researchers statistically controlled for ethnicity, career choice, intellectual ability, mental health problems, socio-economic status, and parental family structure, among other variables. This is a simple strategy moms can incorporate into their parenting: Believe in your daughters, let them know it, and hold them to high standards. They may come to thank you, even if it\u2019s not until adulthood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What A Son Needs From His Dad<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Time.<\/strong> It\u2019s well established that positive parenting behaviors are protective factors for kids against the onset of both externalizing (disobedience, aggression) and internalizing (anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders) problems. In a recent study examining these protective factors, married fathers who reported frequently shopping, playing a sport, going to entertainment events, playing games, cooking, and\/or watching television with their kids were more likely to have children who did not exhibit either externalizing or internalizing symptoms\u2014an effect that was even more pronounced in sons than in daughters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe Talk.\u201d<\/strong> Any trusted adult could talk to boys about sex at an appropriate age, but research shows that for boys with a father in the home, this conversation is typically facilitated by him. Studies suggest, however, that fathers experience a low sense of self-efficacy when it comes to having these conversations with their kids\u2014for example, evidence implies that fathers feel especially incompetent in explaining to their sons how to say no to sex. Researchers fear this parental insecurity will limit the amount of information and guidance boys receive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n An upstanding, law-abiding example.<\/strong> According to longitudinal research on thousands of fathers and their sons, men who break the law are far more likely to have fathers who did the same. Among sons of law-abiding fathers, only 4 percent were convicted of more than one delinquent act. In contrast, about 40 percent of sons of law-breaking fathers committed more than one such crime. The authors of this study were careful to caution that a wide variety of socio-cultural factors also play a role in increasing or decreasing the likelihood of delinquent behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Affection and tenderness.<\/strong> Research shows that children of dads who treated them affectionately as an infant scored higher on standardized measures of cognitive ability in reading and math at age 4, findings that held true regardless of ethnicity. Specifically, a dad\u2019s frequency of kissing and hugging his son at age 2 was one of the factors loading onto a construct of \u201cwarmth\u201d that positively predicted his son\u2019s scores.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What A Son Needs From His Mom<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Non-coercive parenting.<\/strong> Coercive parenting refers to a common cycle in which a parent directs a child\u2019s behavior, is met with refusal, and increases the severity of the demand on the child, who responds with arguing, yelling, or acting out until finally the parent gives up, which reinforces the initial misbehavior. In a large sample of young boys and their mothers followed for more than 10 years, researchers found that boys with mothers who employed coercive parenting experienced higher rates of conduct problems and social problems, including rejection by other children, while more positive, adaptive parenting strategies helped boys develop positive social skills and a stronger sense of self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Minimal conflict and maximum warmth.<\/strong> \u201cWarmth\u201d does not mean permissiveness or over-indulgence: Warm mothers are loving, firm, kind, and invested in their son\u2019s development. But warmth, like conflict, is not a variable that is entirely under the control of a parent. Still, moms who work hard to minimize conflict and maximize the warmth they share with their son, research suggests, are more apt to set their child up for developing healthy social skills like making friends, while lessening the boy\u2019s likelihood of engaging in such behavior as acting out in school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Encouraging executive function.<\/strong> Modeling is an important part of positive parenting. A \u201cdo as I say, not as I do\u201d philosophy is not a firm foundation on which to teach the next generation about life skills. In a study about what attributes helped mothers foster their son\u2019s ability to self-regulate\u2014which broadly encompasses self-control, decision-making, and emotion-management skills\u2014researchers discovered two key factors. Women who maintained a trusting, attached relationship with their son aided in the establishment of such executive control. Conversely, mothers with antagonistic parenting practices, such as undermining or manipulation, had sons who did not as readily display these behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Avoidance of harsh criticism.<\/strong> Mothers\u2019 harsh criticism of their young son, research has found, predicts symptoms of oppositional defiance: Moms who are more vocally critical are more likely to have a son who misbehaves. It is, of course, true that boys who misbehave are more likely to elicit criticism from their mother, but harsh criticism generally doesn\u2019t help. When moms employ harsh criticism, they do not effectively target their son\u2019s misbehavior. Interestingly, the same link with misbehavior was found for emotional over-involvement\u2014defined as extreme over-protective and self-sacrificing behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What a Daughter Needs from Her Dad<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Permission to be a child. Responsible parents should be careful not to rely on their children to assuage their own psychological insecurities. Evidence from a sample of over 500 adult women asked to recall their childhood with their dad suggests that many experienced \u201cparentification,\u201d the maladaptive process in which a child begins to take on typical parental caregiving responsibilities and feels obliged to meet her parent\u2019s own psychological needs, such as for validation. For these women, adult romantic relationship satisfaction and relationship security were lower than for counterparts who grew up without feeling parentified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Acceptance, availability, and positive affect.<\/strong> A study that compared a group of depressed adolescent girls with a never-depressed cohort highlighted the importance of the father-daughter relationship. Girls who were diagnosed with depression were significantly more likely to report that they felt rejected or neglected by their father or had a cold, detached relationship with him. These findings held regardless of whether the girls\u2019 parents were married or separated. Furthermore, while fathers\u2019 own reports indicated that they agreed with their daughter\u2019s assessments, fathers of depressed teen girls did not seem to recognize the lack of warmth and parental attachment felt by their daughter\u2014likely due to poor communication between them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shared physical activity.<\/strong> A group of fathers was trained using a program called Dads and Daughters Exercising and Empowered (DADEE), which focused on improving their basic positive parenting skills, maximizing their investment in their daughter\u2019s well-being, and engaging with her in active, collaborative, fitness-related play. Compared to a control group, nine months later, daughters who participated in the training group experienced larger increases in social-emotional competency, decision-making skills, social awareness, relationship skills, personal responsibility, and self-management skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Closeness, reliability, and permission for autonomy.<\/strong> In an investigation of three groups of women\u2014one diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED), one diagnosed with a non-ED psychiatric disorder, and one with no such diagnoses\u2014researchers had participants recall the nature of their relationship with their father while growing up and answer a range of quantitative and narrative response questions. Results indicated that women who had a psychiatric disorder were more likely to describe their father as less caring, overprotective, unkind, and punitive; women who described their father as being high in control but low in affection were more likely to restrain their food intake, express concerns about their physical appearance, and experience depression, as compared to peers who reported having relatively caring fathers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Daniel Flint, M.A., is a doctoral candidate in Bowling Green State University\u2019s clinical psychology Ph.D. program and a doctoral intern at Western Youth Services in Orange County, California.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Originally published at Psychology Today<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Daniel Flint, MA To be a parent is to worry about your parenting. But things can go right just as easily as they can go wrong. 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