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By Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You probably have a rejection horror story: Finally mustering the courage to ask out your crush, only to realize he doesn\u2019t know your name. Or pouring your heart into a project, only to find it in your boss\u2019s wastebasket an hour later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But you probably have a good rejection story, too: The breakup that led you to find your life partner, or the firing that led to your dream job. These are the times when rejection was a blessing (or a lesson) in disguise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Blogger Jia Jang is the proud king of rejection. If you haven\u2019t already seen his addictive series, 100 Days of Rejection YouTube, do yourself a favor and watch him try to get rejected. He asks for a haircut from a pet groomer, dances Gangnam Style on a security camera, asks to take a nap at a mattress store, and more. But you don\u2019t have to try to join a random stranger\u2019s Super Bowl party to practice the fine art of getting rejected. Here are five tips to help you handle it better than you thought you could:.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1. Rejection comes in multiples.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A Gallup poll found that smokers have tried to quit an average of 3.6 times. Each time we try something, we figure out what works and what doesn\u2019t, and learn a little more about ourselves. Rejection works the same way. As with any goal, assume you\u2019ll have to put up with a certain number of rejections before you reach success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, getting a new job might require hearing \u201cYou\u2019re not quite what we\u2019re looking for\u201d a few times. Finding a partner might only come after having to hear \u201cLet\u2019s be friends\u201d a couple times. It\u2019s like climbing the rungs of a ladder: You have to climb a certain number before you can reach your goal. And without the climb, you won\u2019t get anywhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Rejection makes you attractive.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n One of my favorite studies was conducted in 1966 by the great psychologist Elliot Aronson. In this classic study about the Pratfall Effect, participants listened to a recording of potential quiz show contestants (who were actually confederates). One of the \u201ccontestants\u201d answers most questions correctly and details his many achievements, while the other guy answers most of the questions wrong, and is apparently pretty unimpressive in the rest of his life, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Participants are then asked who they find more attractive. Remember that this is an audiotape\u2014they can\u2019t see either contestant. But, of course, everyone picks the competent contestant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The tape keeps playing. Participants hear a clattering sound followed by, \u201cOh no, I\u2019ve spilled coffee all over my new suit!\u201d The participants are again asked which contestant they find more attractive. Here\u2019s the thing: When the supposed doofus spills coffee on himself, he is seen as less attractive, just like we\u2019d expect. But when the competent guy spills coffee on himself, he is seen as more attractive. So assuming you\u2019re generally competent and likeable (that is, not a doofus), your imperfections only amplify your attractiveness. This is why self-deprecation is so charming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s tie this back to rejection: Rather than thinking of rejections as something to hide away in the attic, take the best ones, polish them with some humor, and show them off. People will only think you\u2019re stronger (or cuter) for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Rejection is part of the journey.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A number of the world\u2019s religions value non-attachment. They consider abstention from desire and personal ambition as freedom from suffering. Indeed, striving for fame, money, or love can make us miserable. That\u2019s not to say you shouldn\u2019t try\u2014just don\u2019t get too attached to the outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Alexander Graham Bell isn\u2019t exactly a religious figure, but he summed it up pretty well when he said, \u201cWhen one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, we do not see the one which has opened for us.\u201d The lesson? Don\u2019t fixate on a rejection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Rejection can be constructive.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes rejections are flat and rude; these are not particularly useful. But sometimes they contain nuggets of wisdom, or even a whole goldmine. A rejection that offers constructive criticism can be much more useful than superficial acceptance or empty praise. (See How to Grow a Thick Skin and Handle Criticism for tips on making the most of negative feedback.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. Anticipation is worse than rejection.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n When a long-dreaded rejection finally comes, it\u2019s almost never as bad as we expected it to be. The real misery comes from all of the anxiety and uncertainty leading up to the awards ceremony, the editor\u2019s decision, or the hiring manager\u2019s answer. Anticipatory anxiety makes us imagine the worst-case scenario. Indeed, when you finally gather the courage to tell your crush you\u2019d go to the end of the earth for her, anticipatory anxiety has you convinced that she\u2019ll tell you to stay there. Compared to that, hearing \u201cLet\u2019s be friends\u201d might be a relief. Even when rejection happens, we\u2019re often left wondering why we were so anxious in the first place, and we realize we could handle it after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Published earlier by Psychology Today<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Source: Quick and Dirty Tips<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n A version of this piece originally appeared on Quick and Dirty Tips.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. You probably have a rejection horror story: Finally mustering the courage to ask out your crush, only to realize he doesn\u2019t know your name. Or pouring your heart into a project,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5686,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[10],"tags":[388,1859,1820],"class_list":["post-5685","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","tag-mental-health","tag-rejection","tag-tips"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n