{"id":7809,"date":"2022-11-22T21:47:09","date_gmt":"2022-11-22T20:47:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/?p=7809"},"modified":"2022-11-22T21:47:10","modified_gmt":"2022-11-22T20:47:10","slug":"men-and-women-handle-sibling-estrangement-differently","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2022\/11\/22\/men-and-women-handle-sibling-estrangement-differently\/","title":{"rendered":"Men And Women Handle Sibling Estrangement Differently"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men often avoid discussing their pain, but that doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t suffer.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Fern Schumer Chapman<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my brother and I reconciled eight years ago, I was finally able to pose a question that had haunted me throughout our 40-year estrangement. His response, I thought, would reveal whether he truly cared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow often did you think of me when we didn\u2019t talk?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His surprising answer: \u201cEvery day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was completely flummoxed by this seeming paradox until I learned that his non-response is common among men. In two Facebook groups dedicated to sibling estrangement, men total less than 5 percent of the membership. Only 2 percent of the self-selected respondents to the survey I conducted for my book, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, were male, and fewer than 1 percent identified themselves as \u201cundeclared.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sibling estrangement therapist Karen Gail Lewis reports that in her 50 years of practice, 99.8 percent of her referrals have come from sisters who bring in their sisters or brothers for joint therapy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are men fazed by estrangement?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The answer to that question is a resounding yes, according to Lewis, whose book, Sibling Therapy: The Ghosts from Childhood that Haunt Your Clients\u2019 Love and Work, is scheduled for publication in April 2023 by Oxford University Press.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBoth men and women suffer with estrangement, but men are less likely to join groups,\u201d she says. \u201cThe core identities for men and women are different. Women historically are more relational, and men are more concrete.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lewis identifies two reasons that men do not discuss estrangement. First, many men subscribe to the old adage, \u201cmen don\u2019t cry.\u201d This typically leads to avoidance of any discussion at all about emotional hurts. Second, men tend to view much of their lives, especially relationships, in a win-lose framework. When for any reason a relationship doesn\u2019t work out, men want to avoid being seen, even by themselves, as losers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTo contact an estranged sibling is a risk,\u201d Lewis explains. \u201cIf the man admits he misses you and wants to work things out, they worry: \u2018What if he or she says no? Then I\u2019m a loser.\u2019 Society dictates that men don\u2019t want to intentionally set out to be a loser.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why women suffer more from \u2018holiday blues\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, women carry the family forward. It\u2019s a responsibility they feel especially keenly as the holidays approach. When a falling-out has separated some family members, and not all are willing to gather together for holiday celebrations, women often feel that they personally have failed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women generally are socialized to \u201cget along.\u201d Even at the cost of suppressing their own feelings, they\u2019re expected to keep the family going. They are the traditional stewards of family community and continuity: organizing social schedules, hosting holidays, attending ceremonial events, providing gifts, communicating regularly, nurturing relationships, and mediating or adjudicating as necessary. Being responsible for such a pivotal role in the family, a sister may blame herself when a sibling relationship doesn\u2019t work and the family fractures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWomen tend to talk and talk and talk about their hurts, sometimes too much,\u201d says Lewis. \u201cThey are given the societal support for working on their relationships; they tend to address issues and often initiate therapy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surprisingly, Lewis says she has noticed that this pattern is beginning to change in her practice, as she has seen an increase in the number of brothers who have asked for help over the last year. Recently, she says, younger brothers specifically have been calling her and saying, \u201cI have to do something about my relationships with my siblings.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMen are just as upset as women about estrangement,\u201d concludes Lewis. \u201cBut, they are not given societal support for working on relationships. In general, they carry the hurt, but they don\u2019t know how to talk about it. They just don\u2019t have the language.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, they mull over the estrangement, every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fern Schumer Chapman is the author of books including Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and The Sibling Estrangement Journal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Originally published at Psychology Today<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Men often avoid discussing their pain, but that doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t suffer. By Fern Schumer Chapman When my brother and I reconciled eight years ago, I was finally able to pose a question that…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7810,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[10],"tags":[2662,1605],"class_list":["post-7809","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","tag-sibling","tag-women"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nMen And Women Handle Sibling Estrangement Differently - Towncryyers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2022\/11\/22\/men-and-women-handle-sibling-estrangement-differently\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Men And Women Handle Sibling Estrangement Differently - Towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Men often avoid discussing their pain, but that doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t suffer. 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