{"id":8488,"date":"2023-11-12T15:26:52","date_gmt":"2023-11-12T14:26:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/?p=8488"},"modified":"2023-11-12T15:26:56","modified_gmt":"2023-11-12T14:26:56","slug":"how-to-skillfully-handle-your-regrets-in-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2023\/11\/12\/how-to-skillfully-handle-your-regrets-in-life\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Skillfully Handle Your Regrets In Life"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Everyone has regrets in life, but they need not lead to emotional suffering.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

By Toni Bernhard J.D.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one gets through life without a regret or two\u2014or dozens! But it doesn\u2019t serve us well to dwell on them. This post is about two kinds of regret. Here is the first one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Regret over paths not taken and dreams not pursued<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one has all of their hopes and dreams come true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I call these \u201cif only\u201d regrets. They become a source of emotional suffering when you tie your happiness to them by saying \u201cif only\u201d I\u2019d [fill in the blank], I\u2019d be happy. If only I\u2019d [fill in another blank] I\u2019d be happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You convince yourself that the paths not taken and the dreams not pursued are the reason you\u2019re not 100 percent happy in life. But no one is always happy. As ad-man Don Draper remarked on television\u2019s Mad Men<\/em>: \u201cWhat is happiness? It\u2019s a moment before you need more happiness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The problem with regretting \u201cif onlys,\u201d is that you don\u2019t know how those paths not taken and those dreams not pursued would have turned out. They could have led to disappointment or disaster. In my case, had I taken the path I\u2019d dreamed of\u2014studying and living in Europe for several years\u2014I\u2019d never have met my lifelong partner in love and friendship, and I\u2019d never have had the two children and the two grandchildren who are my heart\u2019s delight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So reflect carefully on those paths not taken and those dreams not pursued and ask yourself if you\u2019re sure they would have brought you the happiness you sought. After all, few things in life work out as you imagined they would. Unpredictability comes with the human condition. It would be wise for all of us to make peace with that fact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s better to look at the life you have and see if you can do something about a few of your disappointments rather than live in the dream realm of those major \u201cif only.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even doing something about seemingly minor disappointments can improve your quality of life\u2014contacting an old friend because you\u2019re feeling there\u2019s not enough connection to people in your life; finding some new and interesting recipes to try because you\u2019re bored in the kitchen; starting taking a walk every day\u2014even a short one\u2014because you think it would be helpful to get your body moving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only you know what these minor disappointments are in your life. I suggest you sit down and think about them for a while, jotting down those that come to mind and making a plan to change things. Changing a lot of little things can add up to big changes!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Regret that arises when you do something that might have hurt someone or that simply made you feel bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This kind of regret can feel emotionally painful. In my view, when an emotion feels painful\u2014like guilt, for example\u2014it rarely serves a useful purpose. That\u2019s not to say this kind of regret can\u2019t, initially, be useful because you may be able to learn from it. But having learned what there was to learn, it\u2019s time to move on because guilt only makes you feel bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how I suggest handling this kind of regret. First, don’t blame yourself\u2014forgive yourself for what you did. If you don’t forgive yourself, it’s hard to move forward. Next, see if you can learn from whatever you’re regretting by investigating it. By this I mean, think about it for a bit. Was it something you said? Or some unkind thought? When I talk about action I’m including thoughts, speech, and actual behavior. So, it could just be a thought\u2014for example, rushing to judgment about someone. I used to do that a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This kind of regret usually arises after you’ve acted out of either greed or anger\u2014you want something and you don’t care who you hurt to get it, or you overreacted in anger at someone. So look for those two things. Were you being greedy or were you harboring ill will for someone else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once you can identify what you did that’s making you feel regret, resolve not to do it again. And if you find yourself doing it again, investigate what happened, and renew your resolve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone feels this second kind of regret at times. But if you get stuck on it, you’re living in the past. For me, life is too short to do that. Forgive yourself\u2014why not? You’ve said something unskillful, or you snapped at someone, or you didn’t spend enough time with someone\u2014just forgive yourself. Then resolve not to engage in that behavior again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Having done that, forget about it. Move on. You can’t control the thoughts that pop into your mind. So, if you feel regret\u2014you feel regret. Don’t make it worse by dwelling on it and assigning blame. Acknowledge it and move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing I feel certain of: Living in the past is the road to sadness and anger, not the road to happiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My best to everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Toni Bernhard, J.D.,<\/strong> is a former law professor at the University of California, Davis. She’s the author of How to Be Sick, How to Wake Up, and How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Originally published at Psychology Today<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Everyone has regrets in life, but they need not lead to emotional suffering. By Toni Bernhard J.D. No one gets through life without a regret or two\u2014or dozens! 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