{"id":8644,"date":"2024-02-05T04:21:14","date_gmt":"2024-02-05T03:21:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/?p=8644"},"modified":"2024-02-05T04:21:14","modified_gmt":"2024-02-05T03:21:14","slug":"when-words-fail-5-ways-to-tame-out-of-control-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2024\/02\/05\/when-words-fail-5-ways-to-tame-out-of-control-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"When Words Fail: 5 Ways to Tame Out-of-Control Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

5 attitude-changing tips for keeping conflict productive.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

By Kathy McCoy Ph.D.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was yet another epic battle for Jayden and Ericka. Starting as a difference of opinion, it ended up in a dual meltdown as she screamed in frustration and fled the room and he threatened divorce. This had become a distressing routine for them by the time they arrived in my office for couples counseling. It was obvious that what divided them most was not so much their differing opinions, but rather the habits underlying their out-of-control conflicts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We frequently advise couples on words to use and to avoid: making \u201cI\u201d rather than \u201cyou\u201d statements, talking about one\u2019s feelings rather than jumping to blame and accusation, and avoiding phrases like \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d or \u201cYou always\u2026\u201d Those tactics can work well in de-escalating relationship conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there are times when habits rooted in the past, anger that turns to rage, and attitudes that poison the dialogue weaponize language. In those instances, making some quiet, internal changes can help to make disagreements and conflicts less explosive and more productive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Focus on explosion control by anticipating triggers.<\/strong> What are the topics, issues, or timing of discussions that can lead to loss of control? Jake found that he invariably lost his temper when his wife Samantha would confront him as soon as he walked in the door after a long day at work and a stressful commute home. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t her issues that got to me, but the timing,\u201d he told me. \u201cIf we could take half an hour or an hour to unwind after work before discussing anything major, I think we could resolve most of our problems without fighting.\u201d There also may be certain topics that are likely to escalate a reasonable discussion into a painful battle or stand-off. To avoid going from 0-60 emotionally, take a deep breath and focus on calming down to keep your discussion civil before you both get so angry that you lose control.<\/li>
  2. Leave the past behind and stay in the present. <\/strong>This can mean moving away quite consciously from conflict styles rooted in your past\u2014either in your childhood or in your history as a couple. Some people find themselves recreating parental battles they heard as children. This was the case with Jayden and Ericka. He grew up with parents who screamed at each other with unsettling regularity. Ericka\u2019s mother\u2019s way of dealing with an argument was to storm out of the room, ending all discussion. As much as they didn\u2019t want to replicate their parents\u2019 lives, that old behavior had become their default as adults. Keep in mind that what didn\u2019t work for your parents probably isn\u2019t going to work for you either. Trying one thing different this time\u2014perhaps viewing conflict as a challenge you can resolve together rather than a fight where someone wins and someone loses\u2014can make a big difference. It can also help to keep your focus on the present issue without bringing back the pain of the past, stockpiling grievances until you\u2019re both overwhelmed and wondering what you\u2019re doing in this relationship.<\/li>
  3. When you\u2019re about to say something that can\u2019t be unheard or unsaid, don\u2019t. Give yourself a timeout.<\/strong> Giving yourself even a few moments to filter through what\u2019s mean and hurtful and what might lead to a peaceful resolution can make a difference. You might both agree, in calmer moments, that when anger escalates, asking to take a timeout will be a tactic that keeps your discussions productive rather than destructive. A long-ago client of mine I\u2019ll call Chad had a distressing habit of erupting with communication-ending ultimatums and abusive comments whenever he and his wife Sarah disagreed. At best, he\u2019d threaten divorce. At worst, he\u2019d suggest that she kill herself. Even though he would apologize later, the pain and distrust those words caused kept them at an emotional distance. \u201cIt all seems so temporary,\u201d Sarah said in one of our sessions. \u201cI\u2019ve stopped trusting that he\u2019ll hang in there with me to work things out when he\u2019s always talking about divorce or wishing I would die. He\u2019s so intent on winning an argument that he forgets about my feelings and our future as a couple.\u201d It\u2019s OK to be angry during a disagreement. It\u2019s not productive to inflict pain instead of working toward a solution.<\/li>
  4. Don\u2019t match each other in vitriol. <\/strong>When you\u2019re in pain, don\u2019t inflict pain in kind until you’re caught in an endless cycle of vitriol. Instead of hurling back threats and insults, be the one to take a step toward restoring some semblance of collaboration, civility, and calm. Suggest tabling the discussion until you both have a chance to think it through and talk about the issue calmly. Resolution is elusive when the issue gets lost in personal verbal attacks.<\/li>
  5. Let go of the need to be right.<\/strong> The need to be right, even when coupled with genuine concern, can lead to endless arguments. Nancy and her 17-year-old son Justin have a history of explosive conflict over his disinclination to eat breakfast before leaving for school. He says he isn\u2019t hungry and doesn\u2019t have time to eat a big breakfast. Nancy, citing her expertise as a registered dietician and her concern as a parent, counters that he must eat. And most of their morning battles ended with Justin storming out of the house with no breakfast and Nancy feeling furious and unheard. They finally agreed on a compromise. Nancy would hand her son a wrapped breakfast sandwich\u2014often peanut butter and sliced banana\u2014that he could put in his backpack to eat later (or not). She felt that she was doing her best to ensure that her son had adequate nutrition but conceded that he had a choice to eat the sandwich eventually or not. It can also help to identify and stop righteous stances that spark anger and resentment rather than increased understanding. For example, Gina ensured that every difference of opinion she had with her wife would end in expletives and slammed doors due to her habit of regarding every belief that diverged from her own as stupid. \u201cI can\u2019t stand stupid!\u201d she would say while her wife Kris glowered beside her. We talked about her use of \u201cstupid\u201d to describe the divide between them and what a difference it might make to stop labeling her partner\u2019s feelings and opinions and agree to disagree instead\u2014or to discuss their opinions with an open mind instead of cutting one another off with contempt or simmering rage. In relentlessly seeking to win, there is so much to lose.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Originally published at Psychology Today<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    5 attitude-changing tips for keeping conflict productive. By Kathy McCoy Ph.D. It was yet another epic battle for Jayden and Ericka. Starting as a difference of opinion, it ended up in a dual meltdown as…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8645,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[10],"tags":[2881],"class_list":["post-8644","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","tag-control-conflict"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhen Words Fail: 5 Ways to Tame Out-of-Control Conflict - Towncryyers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/towncryyers.com\/index.php\/2024\/02\/05\/when-words-fail-5-ways-to-tame-out-of-control-conflict\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"When Words Fail: 5 Ways to Tame Out-of-Control Conflict - Towncryyers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"5 attitude-changing tips for keeping conflict productive. 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