There’s no book you need to read or anything expensive to buy.

By David W. Wahl Ph.D.

You bought several different editions of the Kama Sutra. You’ve watched endless hours of YouPorn clips. You even signed up for a full season of intimacy workshops.

You didn’t need to do any of these things. There is only one sex tip you truly need and it’s free. THE sex tip: Communicate. That’s it, open up and talk to your partner about what you do want, what you do not want, your sexual history, and what you feel about sex.

Do I hear you saying that this sex tip doesn’t sound very exciting? It is. With open sexual communication, you can relax and have both peace of mind and fun. Talking to your partner about your sexual feelings isn’t just playful, it can be as exciting as any other part of sex.

Everything must start and end with communication. Sexual communication involves a process of transparency revealing one’s sexual desires to one’s partner. This communication involves discussing past sexual experiences, present sexual desires, and future sexual aspirations. After all, Tisdale (1994) notes that who you are sexually is based on who you were, all that has happened to you, and all that has not.

This tip may even sound like the easiest thing ever, but, in truth, it is the most difficult for many couples. There are many reasons people don’t talk about sex with their partners, including fear of being shamed, they were socialized to perceive talking about sex as taboo, and, for some, there is a lack of socio-cultural scripts surrounding sex, to name a few.

How do you get started? First, put away all assumptions. Assumptions are futile.

Next, especially if you are worried about the discussion or if you are in a long-term relationship and feel awkward about bringing this up for the very first time, you may not want to begin with “Hey, I get aroused by licking armpits (or whatever your kink may be).” It’s an awkward opening and may or may not make for an easy progression of the discussion.

Instead, make a very simple declaration that you want to talk about sex openly—maybe something along the lines of “Can we agree to talk openly about what we want sexually?” This sets the stage to talk about it. It’s an easy way to start the dialogue and makes it difficult to go silent after saying it. Asking to talk openly, with both people agreeing to do so without judgment, is a good way to alleviate, if not eradicate, the fear of shaming in a relationship.

Once you and your partner begin to talk openly, it is imperative that you communicate before, during, and after a sexual encounter. Begin the sexual encounter by telling your partner what you want and what has pleased you in the past (even if that thing is with previous lovers). Don’t be afraid to direct your partner during sex, vocally and physically; it only maximizes your pleasure and teaches your partner how to please you.

And you need to allow yourself to be directed. It’s the only way to know exactly how to please your partner. It is not something you can learn from a sex technique book. Those authors do not know what specifically works with your particular partner.

Afterward, confirm what brought you pleasure. Talk about what you’d like to do next time (a preview of things to come, if you will). It’s acceptable to talk about what didn’t work and how to make adjustments next time. Keep it playful and intimate. Talking about it in all three stages will serve to maximize the pleasure for both you and your partner, while bringing you closer together.

The Benefits of This Sex Tip

Montesi, Fauber, Gordon, and Heimberg (2010), in collecting data from 116 heterosexual, monogamous couples, noted that communication held a place of particular importance in the area of sex and that open sexual communication was instrumental in both sexual satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction. Within the arena of sexual satisfaction, there are a variety of benefits to open sexual communication, including:

• You do what pleases you.
• You don’t do what does not please you.
• You have more orgasms (for women, this narrows that orgasm gap).
• You achieve a greater sense of well-being.
• You gain confidence in your sexual endeavors, your relationship, and your personal sense of self.
• There’s an increase in intimacy with your partner.
• The framework is built for a more successful relationship.
• You know when your partner is satisfied.
• You learn to shed shame in yourself and stop judging others for what they want.
• It builds communication skills that can be used for things outside the bedroom.
• It silences those pesky questions in your head.
• It opens up the ability to direct your partner sexually to maximize the pleasure for both of you.
• It allows for negotiation on sexual behaviors.
• It wards off boredom in the bedroom, while easing social anxiety and inhibitions that have been detrimental to your sexual activities.

The full range of benefits, both mental and physical, exceed those I have listed here. What’s important to note is that language and communication stand at the forefront of social interaction. As social beings, with sex as a foundational aspect of relationships, interaction cannot be purely physical. Communication is integral. Without open sexual communication, sexual relationships never fully mature and pleasure is never maximized. So, put down your copy of 100 Ways to Make Your Lover Moan and talk to your partner.

Originally published at Psychology Today