The five decisions you have to make to take control of communication.
Narcissists thrive on controlling others. It gives them the reassurance that they will get what they need: attention, being better than the other person, and avoidance of surprises.
When it comes to communication with a narcissist, there are ways of taking control back in a few simple steps.
My mother is a narcissist and our relationship has always been very fraught. Later in my life, I moved to another country and the physical distance made it much easier to keep an emotional distance. However, we were in contact and it took me some time to find the right way to manage and control our communication.
The only way we communicated was via phone. She didn’t want to use a computer, so no email or Skype, and she didn’t use a mobile. It reduced the challenge to just how to manage our phone calls. And it comes down to controlling how often, when, the duration, what not to talk about, and what to talk about. That’s all you need to decide and of course, stick to it. Setting boundaries only makes sense if you stick to them.
The five decisions you have to make about communication with your narcissist are:
1. You decide how often you communicate
I didn’t want to be a terrible daughter and had thought through what would work. I decided to make a phone call every two weeks. That would be just enough to keep her ‘happy’ and I could cope with it.
2. You decide how long to communicate
My phone calls were 20 minutes long. I set a timer and when the timer went off I came up with an excuse to end the conversation. Dinner is ready, we have to go shopping, delivery man, they all worked perfectly well (for me). She might be seething at the other end, but I had the control.
3. You decide when to communicate
I made Sunday the day for the call. My mother called her mother every Sunday evening, but I choose the afternoon. That suited me as we were cooking, watching sports, or had to be on our way to somewhere soon. Maybe subconsciously I was giving her the message that she was not that important and had to fit in with my other activities.
4. You decide what to talk about
I made sure I had a range of ‘safe’ messages: not too personal, never revealing anything I was worried about, and always ‘stroking’ her, asking for advice, or referring to her knowledge. It was a good way of engaging her and made her feel good, I hope.
5. You decide what not to talk about
There are always tricky topics. The ones that push your buttons and will lead into the area of feeling emotional and then becoming vulnerable. There comes a point when you have to tell your narcissist that those topics are forbidden territory. That you both have to agree to disagree. I told my mother that when she brought up those topics I would hang up. Of course, she disagreed. But I stood my ground and acted on it. The moment she brought up the delicate topic I would tell her we had to change the subject, and if she didn’t, I would hang up. It works wonders, especially after you have hung up once or twice.
I went through this process with my mother. A person who, at that time, was still part of my life, and my challenge was to make it work in a way that didn’t destroy me.
When it comes to a partner, maybe you are thinking of setting slightly different boundaries to see how those work out.
When it is about an ex-partner and the parent of your children, this method might help you to become more in control of the communication lines. Set times, duration, and topics. And when unexpected but unavoidable topics come up, buy yourself time by agreeing to call back another time to discuss the situation.
When dealing with a narcissist, part of the battle is control. Taking control in any way will support your safety and taking control of the communication will protect you from surprises.
Originally published at Psychology Today