Why validation may be the key to communication.

By Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D.

When affirming something, you are offering support, or asserting something as fact. There is usually a positive connotation to this, in which one partner agrees with the other regarding their assertion. A husband affirming his wife’s belief that they need to spend more time together as a couple would be agreeing with her statement and holding it as true.

Often, I hear people using the words affirmation and validation interchangeably. Validation, unlike affirmation, does not mean that one person agrees with the other. Rather, to validate someone is to acknowledge and accept their feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. Marsha Linehan notes that validation involves the expression of understanding, legitimacy, and acceptance of another’s experience. Validation does not attempt to alter a person’s experience, but rather accepts it as is.

In one study, college students were exposed to mental math problems and then assigned conditioned responses, either validating ones (I too would feel upset if I were the one completing the task) or invalidating ones (I don’t understand why you would feel that way). The researchers found that validating responses led to better emotion regulation.

For the husband mentioned, he might instead acknowledge and validate his wife’s belief that they need to spend time together. However, it does not necessarily mean that he agrees. Instead, he may feel that spending time apart is more important for their marriage and individual identities. But he has acknowledged and heard her. In this case, validating her with: “I understand that you want us to spend more time together.”

It’s important to realize that not all discussions will reach a mutually agreed upon consensus; however, in the interest of open communication, both partners should be able to express their views.

Originally published at Psychology Today