So, we have to like everything about you?
By Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D.
A friend once told me, “No matter what you do, some people won’t like you.” That helped me let go of the need to be liked by everyone. Our concerns about approval are part of being human. We don’t want to go around being hostile, selfish, and disrespectful. Here are some simple techniques you can use to overcome the need for approval.
1. Identify the situation.
This can be the trigger for your concern about what people think. Perhaps you are thinking of making a request of someone that he change his behavior, but you immediately start feeling anxious because of your underlying thoughts and feelings.
2. What are the advantages and disadvantages of needing approval?
This is the motivational piece for you to examine your assumption that you need approval. What are the costs to you? It may make it difficult for you to be honest; it may make it hard for you to get your needs met; you may worry about what might happen; and you might let people take advantage of you.
3. What negative automatic thoughts are you having?
These can include: She will think I am unfair or mean. She won’t like me. He thinks I am obnoxious. It’s awful when someone doesn’t like me. I can’t stand arguments.
4. What do these thoughts mean to you?
You might think: If she doesn’t like me, then I am wrong. Or I am a bad person. Or you might think: People will talk about me, and I won’t have any friends. These implications may be driving the need for approval.
5. Examine the evidence and the logic of your thoughts.
Are you really a bad person, or wrong, if a person disagrees with you? Perhaps you simply have different information, interpretations, or ideas. Perhaps you are right? If you think people will be upset with you, ask yourself if you have ever disagreed with anyone who still remained a friend.
6. Use the double-standard technique.
If people disagree with you, do you always get extremely upset? Do you write them off? Try to think of yourself as a supportive friend: If your friends don’t like something you say, what advice would you give them? Would you conclude that they are bad? Why would you be more tolerant of other people than you are of yourself?
7. What would you do if they didn’t like you?
To let problems go, put life in perspective. Perhaps you are skillful and respectful in asserting yourself with someone, but now that person doesn’t like what you say. Can you still be with your partner, your family, your friends, and your co-workers? Can you engage in all the activities that you engaged in before? You can do everything you did before. If this particular person doesn’t like what you say, or dislikes you, what difference does it make?
8. How will you feel about this in the future?
We often get upset about something happening in the moment, but we fail to realize that all of our emotions are open to change. Have you had the experience that you were unhappy with an interaction—say, three months ago—but now you can’t even remember it? That’s because other experiences have taken over, you have put it in perspective, and you have let it go.
9. Normalize disapproval.
We often get upset about things that happen to everyone. Who has the approval of every person they meet? We all experience disapproval—and still survive and thrive. Why should you be the one person who has to have universal approval?
10. Practice being assertive.
If you are concerned about disapproval, go to a store and request a 50 percent discount on something you have no intention of purchasing. The clerk will look at you as if you are crazy. You might say, “I thought I could get a bargain today.” By purposefully collecting harmless disapproval, you will come to realize that nothing important changes, except that now you are able to assert yourself.
You can be diplomatically assertive and sensitive to others and still do things some people won’t like. The only way to get through life is to tolerate some disapproval.
Originally published at Psychology Today