Accept your internal experience and build your identity.
By Karyn Hall, Ph.D.
Validation is the expression of honest understanding. It’s the acknowledgment of others, of their thoughts, feelings, and actions. And to do a better job of validation, you must start with yourself. Such self-validation is understanding your internal experience and your actions.
This doesn’t mean that whatever you think or feel is justified. There are many times when you will have thoughts that surprise you, that don’t reflect your values or fit what you know to be true. Validation doesn’t mean approval, it’s about understanding. If you fight your thoughts and feelings, or judge yourself for having them, then you may well become emotionally distressed. You’ll also fail to learn about yourself.
Validating your thoughts and emotions will help you stay calm and manage yourself more effectively. Validating yourself will help you accept yourself, which will lead you to a stronger identity and better skills at regulating intense emotions.
Self-validation also helps you find wisdom. If you accept that you are feeling envy and you understand the reason, there is an opportunity to learn from your experience. What is it that you envy? What does it mean for you?
Psychologist Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy and a professor emeritus at the University of Washington in Seattle, defined six levels of validation. The steps below are based on her ideas.
Be Here Now
Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. Be mindful of your emotions without pushing them away; this means grounding yourself and not dissociating, daydreaming, suppressing, or numbing your emotions. Being present means listening to yourself, even if feeling the pain of sadness, hurt, and fear is challenging.
Avoiding emotions can result in negative consequences, while accepting emotions allows them to pass, and allows you to build resilience. Being present validates that you matter, that you have the strength to feel, that you can experience the physical sensations that are part of your emotional terrain.
Engage in Honest Reflection
Accurate reflection means acknowledging your internal state and labeling it accurately. When you observe and describe your interior experience accurately, you don’t make interpretations—you stick to the facts. What emotions are you experiencing? What triggered the thoughts and emotions you are having? Where do you feel sensations in your body and what actions do you want to take? Labeling your experience with accurate reflection can help you regulate your emotions.
This thought, I’m a loser, and no one wants to spend time with me, does not state the observable facts of your experience. Instead, observe and describe your experience: I feel angry and disappointed. It started yesterday when my friend canceled lunch again. I sense tightness in my stomach, so maybe there is fear as well.
Guess Your Emotions
Sometimes you won’t be sure what you are feeling or thinking. In these situations, ask yourself: Am I feeling _____? If someone else were in this situation, they would probably feel ____.
You might also guess your emotions by looking at the actions you want to take. If you want to hide, perhaps you are feeling shame. Maybe you are thinking shameful thoughts. Where are your physical sensations? Fear, for example, is often felt in the throat. Guessing your emotions and thoughts based on the information you have will help you learn more about yourself.
Remember the Past
Sometimes you will have thoughts and feelings that are based on events that happened in your past. Maybe you’re afraid when people argue, because past arguments scared you. You could validate yourself with this thought: I t’s understandable that I am afraid of arguments because when I was young my parents hurt each other during conflict.
Normalize Your Feelings
Sometimes people who have intense emotions don’t see themselves as normal. Everyone has emotions. No one is happy all the time. It’s normal to feel painful emotions. You feel sad when you didn’t get that job you wanted, and this is commonly felt by others as well. It’s normal. Instead, self-validate: Of course I feel sad. I really wanted that job.
Be Genuine
Do not lie to yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. Rejecting who you are is high-level invalidation and can be damaging. An important distinction: Who you are is different from what you do. You are not your behavior. Changing some behaviors that are invalid may alleviate some suffering that you experience.
Self-validation is critical for living with intense emotions. It is part of forming relationships and thriving. Practice and more practice will help you self-validate more naturally.
Originally published at Psychology Today