Distinguish between emotionally unsafe and emotionally intelligent friends.

By Erin Leonard Ph.D

It is devastating when a trusted friend turns out to be untrustworthy and underhanded. Often you want to see only the good in them, so it may be easy to blame yourself rather than accept that they may be a problem. In addition, the fear of losing mutual friends because of “bad blood” with this person may be paralyzing. However, knowing the type of friend you are dealing with is critical. By recognizing four types of emotionally unsafe friends, you may be able to differentiate a dysfunctional friend from the emotionally intelligent.

The pot stirrer: This is a new friend who you feel safe confiding in, so you ask this friend for advice about a relationship in your life that is a struggle. They seem to listen attentively and offer sound advice. However, one day, behind your back and without asking you, they seek out the third party and tell them everything you said.

Shocked, you feel like the disloyal friend because you were talking about another person, but you expected it to be a safe and private conversation. The goal was not to gossip but to process confusing interactions and to get advice on what to do. Instead, everything you say is distorted and told to the person without your permission. Now, major drama ensues, and your anxiety skyrockets.

Panicked and distraught, you attempt to clarify what transpired, yet it seems useless. News of the skewed conversation spreads like wildfire, and intentionally or not, the pot stirrer successfully frames you as a “bad friend.” The clincher may be the satisfaction they seem to derive from the drama and their ability to be in the middle of it. It appears they get satisfaction out of continually pointing the finger at you.

The faker: This friend is extremely nice and kind to your face. However, you discover this friend disparages you behind the scenes and to multiple groups of people. They publicly skewer your character and attempt to tarnish your reputation.

A tell-tale sign of a faker is their steadfast denial that they said anything “bad” about you. It doesn’t matter how much evidence you bring forward; they will claim absolute innocence and then act victimized by your confrontation. Other friends in the group will often rush to comfort them. It is painfully ironic that the toxic friend quickly flips the script and frames you as the “toxic” one.

They also camouflage degrading remarks by packaging them as compliments or jokes. For example, “You are good at putting together these proposals… I just wish they were more professional. We aren’t in kindergarten anymore, Alex. Hahaha.” Although camouflaged as a complement and/or joke, this sentiment is actually incredibly demeaning.

The hero: This person believes that their value set, opinions, and beliefs are far superior to anyone else’s. Initially, you may view this person as confident, yet, as you get to know them, you may realize they are fairly self-righteous. A strong sign may be when this person immediately devalues and dismisses you for offering an idea or perspective that differs from theirs. Instead of considering an alternate viewpoint, they instantly condemn you for thinking differently.

A classic trait of the hero is their compulsion to swoop in and “save the day.” They believe that they know best and that everyone should listen to them. This allows them to take control of situations in the friend group. Often, they dominate the social landscape, and if you dare speak up and identify a different viewpoint, they tend to shut you down and exclude you from the group abruptly.

The victim: This friend rarely takes full responsibility for a hurtful and selfish act in the friendship and, instead, instantaneously uses hardship to excuse their “dirty deed.” For example, Anne promises Brynn will pick her up on the way to tennis tryouts. She insists on taking Brynn’s tennis shoes home with her because she has specific laces she wants Brynn to wear to show team spirit. Brynn is confused about the shoes but doesn’t want to hurt Anne’s feelings and is grateful for her kindness.

Yet, Anne is absent and unreachable when it is time to leave for the tryouts. Distraught and panicked, Brynn calls her mom. Brynn’s mom rushes home from work to take her. Brynn walks onto the court, panicked and 25 minutes late. She is forced to wear old running shoes because her new tennis shoes are with Anne. After the last match, Anne approaches Brynn and says very loudly,

I am so sorry, Brynn. My dad got a flat tire last night, so I had to take my mom’s car. It was crazy. I was so nervous when I remembered it was a stick shift. I thought I was going to throw up. I had to focus on my breathing and grounding exercises the entire way. I was so afraid I was going to crash. I cannot believe I made it.

The entire team hears Anne’s story and provides her with empathy and support. They relay that they are relieved she made it safely to the tryouts. They also ask if her dad is okay. Brynn lingers in the backdrop, confused as to whether Anne is being truthful or not. Nonetheless, it should not have been too difficult for Anne to text and advise her to get her own ride. Brynn wonders how Anne could be so hurtful and then act as though she is the victim.

Unfortunately, these types of friends may be emotionally unsafe. They lack empathy, self-awareness, and accountability, and often they seek to sabotage someone they are jealous of. As a relatively humble person, you may not have considered the possibility that a friend envies you, but it is a possibility.

It may be necessary to create two categories for friends. One is the emotionally intelligent friends. These people usually reciprocate empathy, are conscientious, do not attempt to sabotage or disparage your reputation, and are trustworthy. Two is the emotionally unintelligent individuals like the four types identified above. These are the companions that may not be emotionally safe.

Discerning between these two classifications of friends lets you know who to open up to and with whom to simply have a good time. Your emotionally intelligent friends are not perfect by any stretch, but they typically strive to understand you truly, are open to your viewpoint, exhibit self-awareness, and maintain your confidence. Also, they rarely take advantage of your kindness and happily return a favor.

Alternatively, your emotionally unintelligent friends may be fun but belong in the pal, buddy, and chum category. Have a blast with them but maintain a safe emotional distance by refraining from opening up, sacrificing aspects of your life for them, and depending on them for important things. Rely on your true blue and empathic friends for the meaningful and the difficult experiences in your life.

Erin Leonard, Ph.D. is a practicing psychotherapist and the author of three books about relationships and parenting.

Originally published at Psychology Today