How to work with regret and rumination to find mental ease.

By Beth Kurland Ph.D.

Imagine that you take a large piece of luggage and fill it with rocks and boulders. You pick up that piece of luggage and you carry it around with you—everywhere. You don’t set it down. After a while, you may even forget that you are lugging it, but it weighs you down and makes it hard to move forward, toward where you want to go.

That’s what it can feel like when we are in the grip of regret. Regret can have many flavors, but it often comes in the form of mental rumination. I see it as the flip side of worry. Whereas worry focuses us on the “what if” future, regret focuses us on the “what if” past. We replay past events over and over in our mind in what often feels like a dead-end circle because it doesn’t lead anywhere (except to self-criticism/self-blame, guilt, shame, and other unpleasant emotions).

So how do we get out of the grip of regret?

6 Antidotes to Being Stuck in Regret

1. Calm your nervous system. Being stuck in regret can become an internal threat response. The threat in this case is coming from our own thinking (K…What’s wrong with me? I should have done X; if I had only done X everything would be OK…). When the threat response is turned on, our body reacts by activating survival circuits and going into a state of protection—either fight/flight (our stress response) or collapse/shutdown (stuck, immobilization). This may suffice for external, physical threats we are trying to escape, but it’s not so helpful when those threats are coming from looping thoughts in our own minds.
   Calming the nervous system opens the door to seeing things from a different perspective. Instead of being stuck in your head, drop your awareness down into your body. Do something to soothe the unsettled energy in there. Find the calming rhythm of your breath, feel your feet on the ground, place your hand over your heart, do some gentle mindful movements (perhaps yoga or gentle stretching) and notice the sensations that are present. Perhaps do something more active, like going for a walk and being present to your surroundings.

Then, from this more settled place, move on to the steps below. It is easier to see more possibilities and widen perspective from a calm nervous system.

2. Find the lesson. Often with difficult situations we can get stuck in the negative aspects of things, but there can also be an opportunity to create some meaning and purpose out of a difficulty. Instead of getting stuck in the past, ask: What can I learn from this experience that will guide me in helpful ways in the future? For example, if you made a choice in the past that had a negative consequence, focus on feeling empowered to make different choices as you move forward; embrace those choices and the personal growth that it brings.
3. Take action where possible. Look at the situation that is generating regret and ask yourself: Is there any action I can take today that would be helpful? There may not be, but sometimes there is. For example, if you regret how you treated someone or acted in a situation, there may be an opportunity for repair. Don’t underestimate the power of repair for yourself or others, even if much time has passed. An apology or a heartfelt note can go a long way toward healing. Even if not accepted by the other person, it may help you move on.

As another example, if you regret not having gone back to school for that degree, instead of beating yourself up for what could have been, look for what choices are available today. Maybe circumstances don’t allow you to go back to school now, but perhaps there is a certificate training program that might give you some valuable tools for your career.

4. Practice self-compassion. I’m not going to lie; this one is hard for most people. But it is essential for healing from regret. Sometimes we think that beating ourselves up will somehow keep us in line and prevent us from messing up again, but it rarely works that way. Instead, it just makes us feel miserable and stuck.
   Being self-compassionate means being willing to see ourselves the way that we would see a good friend we care about. Ask yourself: If a good friend were feeling stuck in this situation, what would I think and what words of encouragement or wisdom might I offer them? How would I sit with them? Then practice offering that to yourself.
5. Take the mindful view. When we are caught in the grip of regret and mental rumination it is as if we are caught in the middle of a storm with no protection. Imagine stepping inside and watching the storm from the safety of your house. The storm is still there, but you have shifted your vantage point. The rain is no longer pelting down on you and the wind no longer blowing against you. Taking the mindful view allows us to notice that we are caught in mental ruminations from a different part of our brain than the part that is stuck in it. This kind of awareness helps to loosen the grip of looping thoughts. From there we can ask: Is being caught in this loop moving me in the direction of well-being, or away form it? Just having some distance from our thoughts can invite in a bit of ease and choice about where we direct our attention.
6. Play it out in advance. Sometimes we have the luxury of considering outcomes and consequences in advance, and doing so can provide helpful information to guide our future actions. To avoid being caught in later regret, you might ask yourself: If I were to look back in time from a future self, what decisions might I make right now so as not to have regrets? For example, most people on their death bed don’t regret that they didn’t work enough; but they might regret that they didn’t spend enough quality time with the people they love. During the height of the pandemic, when the Omicron virus strain was just beginning to circulate, I had a choice to get on a plane and fly across the country to see my son play in a national Ultimate Frisbee tournament, what would be his last game of his college career. As much as I was scared of flying and traveling at that time, when I mentally played it out in advance, I knew that if I didn’t go, I would always regret not being there, and this guided my decision.

There is no easy way to work with regret and no quick fixes, but practicing the above six steps can help to loosen its grip and ease moving forward.

Beth Kurland, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, author, and public speaker. Her newest book is Dancing on the Tightrope: Transcending the Habits of Your Mind and Awakening to Your Fullest Life.

Originally published at Psychology Today