Manners are important in society but vary widely from family to family.
By Ronald Stolberg Ph.D.
Manners are simply just the way we do things. They have become pretty well accepted as the way to behave. Another way to conceptualize manners is to think of them as ways to be considerate of others. There isn’t likely anything inherently wrong with eating with your mouth open or talking with that same mouth full of food, but nobody wants to see it. So being considerate of other people’s feelings and needs is a big part of manners.
Shaking hands, making eye contact, asking questions, calling someone “sir” or “ma’am” are all manners that are thought of as being very important in some places and not so much in others. Manners evolve and change all the time. Just a few years ago it might have been rude to not shake someone’s hand; for a while during Covid-19 it was decidedly rude to offer someone your hand and expect them to shake it.
The other thing about manners is that they vary widely from household to household. What is acceptable behavior at one family dinner may be frowned upon at another meal just next door. Manners are often situation-specific, meaning that behaviors at home behind closed doors are often different than those in public, with friends, or at certain kinds of events. We wouldn’t have people like Emily Post or Ms. Manners giving public advice and writing books if everyone agreed on what constituted good manners.
Is it better to model manners or do you need to teach them?
I love the work of Albert Bandura on modeling. “Do as I say, not as I do” couldn’t be further from the truth. So yes, if you want your kids to develop good manners, then step #1 is clearly modeling. But, as we have all figured out by now, no two children are the same. When it comes to manners and behavior, some children naturally do a lot of observing and modeling of behavior and they pick things up just by being socially aware. Other children, however, will need reminders and reasons why we do certain things. For these children we do a little more explaining and have a little more patience.
Another way to support the development of a desired behavior is to point out when we ourselves are doing something that involves manners. Let children know when you are sending thank you cards or texts or doing something for someone who needs some extra support or help.
The final step in transmitting manners to children is to point out when a behavior is good and reward it with praise, hugs, smiles, and such. Bring the act up again later and say how proud you were of the manners they used, and be specific. Praise is much more powerful than criticism.
What should you do when in public or at a family gathering and your kids are acting impolite and embarrassing you?
I get some variation of this question all the time. There are several strategies, and which to apply really depends on the age and developmental level of the child. The first piece of advice is to remain calm. When you get agitated or stressed, your kids pick up on it and they are likely to have a harder time stopping or transitioning their behavior on their own. Staying calm also doesn’t put more attention on the behavior than there is already; remember attention, even negative attention, is reinforcing and likely to prolong the behavior.
If they are very young, the behavior is probably more embarrassing to you than to the people around you. If child is young enough to pick up, then go ahead and simply remove them from whatever rude behavior they were participating in. Find a quiet space and explain what behavior you would like to see “You know its not okay to throw food on the floor; we don’t do that at home either. When you are ready to eat like a big boy or big girl, then we can go back and see your friends, grandma, whoever.”
As children get older you can calmly talk to them about family values as a way of explaining what manners and behavior are expected in your family. This way there is no argument about what “good” manners are but rather what the expectations are for your children.
With older kids who know better, feel free to give them a second chance, but let them know the consequences if they continue the objectionable behavior. The consequences can range from leaving the activity (unless that’s what they want) all the way to something they will feel is negative. My parents had me write a lot of letters to them about my poor manners and behavior, how it made them feel, and ways I could have acted differently. I think it was effective because it was a way to get me to think about my behavior and how it impacted others.
Ronald Stolberg, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University and author of Teaching Kids to Think: Raising Confident, Independent, and Thoughtful Children in an Age of Instant Gratification.