Words matter in keeping love alive.

By Kathy McCoy Ph.D.

They were unlike most couples I see initially in counseling. For their first session, they arrived at my office smiling and holding hands. They were in their 30s and married for two years. “We’re happy together,” the young man said. “We’re just looking for counseling to fine-tune our relationship and especially to improve our communication skills. We feel that enhancing our communication will make our love grow stronger.”

I was inspired by their wisdom and found myself wishing that more couples would come in for such fine-tuning rather than waiting for a crisis. Good communication can bridge so many gaps—differences in small details of life that suddenly loom large, differences in worldview, and the inevitable cycles of distance and closeness that can lead some to question the viability of their relationship.

In the challenge of maintaining a loving and committed relationship, words matter. There are some phrases like “You always…” and “You never…” that block communication and escalate conflict. Other phrases express the love, humility, curiosity, and commitment that help a love relationship to grow.

Some of these include the following:

1. “I’m sorry…” That old chestnut from the film Love Story “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” couldn’t be more off-base. When you love someone, apologies are part of your life together. The partner who hurts the other with what they say or do or don’t do and who never apologizes inflicts wounds that are slow to heal. So does the person who says a terse “Sorry” or a sarcastic “Oh, so sorry!” as a means of cutting off further discussion. Tone and intent matter. A sincere apology along with a commitment to do better can go a long way toward strengthening a couple’s connection. It’s important to stop communication-blocking habits like defensiveness or hurled insults or criticism of the partner and really listen to what your partner is saying. The point isn’t that he or she is too sensitive or picky or unreasonable. The point is that your partner is hurting, disappointed, or concerned. Taking responsibility for your part in this with a sincere and humble apology, along with the commitment to make positive changes, can go a long way toward healing a rift and moving on.
2. “I understand…” or “Help me to understand…” shows a willingness to listen and to validate another’s point of view even if you don’t agree. Empathy and understanding can build connection and goodwill, leading to more constructive conversations whether or not you agree with each other. Empathy is a strength in a love relationship, not a sign of weakness. A male partner in another couple I’ve worked with scoffed at the concept. “Empathy is weakness,” he insisted. “I’ll never think otherwise. I believe in sticking to my point of view.” And he has a string of failed relationships to show for it. Being able to understand why your partner feels a certain way can help you both learn to live with your differences, agreeing to disagree in some instances and always keeping in mind all that you do share.
3. “I feel…” Letting your partner know how you feel about a situation rather than leading off with blame and accusations resolves differences. When you simply report how you feel when he or she does or says something rather than labeling or blaming the other allows your partner to understand and empathize instead of getting instantly defensive. It also keeps you from going down the dead-end “You always…” or “You never…” path. Saying, for example, “I feel worried when you’re late coming home and haven’t called to let me know you’re OK” is more likely to lead to resolution rather than “What’s the matter with you? You’re so thoughtless not to call and let me know when you’re running late!”
4. “Tell me more…” Having interest and curiosity about your partner’s day or opinions or life experiences is a huge part of building a loving connection. It can also be an act of love to welcome the same story or joke like a familiar song rather than seeing it as an annoying repetition. “One of the most wonderful aspects of our relationship is my husband’s patience and enthusiasm for my story-telling,” says Lynne, a longtime friend of mine. “He never says things like ‘You told me that before.’ He just listens with interest. He might act like this is the first time he has heard it or he might say ‘I always love hearing that story. It’s like hearing a favorite song.’ Either way, I consider his interest in what I have to say to be one of the great blessings of our relationship. And, of course, I reciprocate!”
5. “I love you…” It’s easy to say this in moments of warmth and passion. It is harder and perhaps more meaningful to relationship growth to say it in challenging times. But these words can mean so much. For example, when you’ve been having a difficult time together as partners, expressing love with “We’ll get through this together.” can convey hope and commitment. When these words are spoken or mouthed during an excruciating extended family gathering, the understanding may be “I’m with you in this. We’re a team and forever partners.” When texted in the middle of a busy day, it’s a sweet reminder that there is life and love beyond workplace stress and responsibilities.
6. “I appreciate…” Expressing appreciation for things your partner does or says can go a long way toward building love. My husband Bob told me once that he likes hearing “I appreciate you” even more than “I love you.” The latter may be easier to say and often is not as specific as voicing appreciation. Expressing appreciation for small as well as large things can make a real difference in building a lasting love. You both feel noticed and treasured and rarely, if ever, taken for granted.
7. “Remember when…” Especially when you’re going through a cyclical time of emotional distance or beset with the multiple distractions of daily life, taking a moment to remember a time of closeness, a kind act, something that happened in the past that is funny in retrospect, or reliving the moment you first knew that your partner was special or your love was real can keep that love strong through the many challenges that the years can bring.

Kathy McCoy, Ph.D. is psychotherapist, journalist, and speaker and the author of books including We Don’t Talk Anymore: Healing After Parents and Their Adult Children Become Estranged.

Originally published at Psychology Today