By Amy Morin
While chocolates and roses might bring a smile to your partner’s face on Valentine’s Day, they’ll do little for the health of your relationship over the long term. As I explain in my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, knowing your partner’s love language and going on weekly date nights aren’t enough to maintain your bond—if you aren’t working on strengthening your relationship in deeper ways.
If you’re in a committed relationship that you want to stand the test of time, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. The best way to do that is by focusing on becoming a better partner and by developing habits that will cultivate long-lasting love.
1. Keep a picture of your partner handy.
Whether you keep a fun picture of your partner on your desk or turn a recent vacation snapshot into the wallpaper on your phone, studies show that just looking at your partner’s photo throughout the day improves your relationship’s commitment and quality.
Partners who regularly looked at a picture of their partner reported increased healthy attachment and higher degrees of marital satisfaction. So, use Valentine’s Day to take a great picture of your partner, and then keep it somewhere easily accessible so you can look at it throughout your day.
2. Remind your partner why you continue to choose them.
If you’ve been together a while, your lives likely look quite different compared to when you first got together. The demands of careers, kids, extended family, and household responsibilities can cause you to feel more like business partners than lovers. That’s why it’s important to affirm your commitment regularly.
Remind your partner why you chose them (and why you continue to choose them). Write a list of the reasons why you picked them to be your lifelong partner. Then, over your Valentine’s Day dinner, read that list. Make it a regular habit to remind yourself of all the qualities you love about your partner and remind them often.
3. Sharpen your emotion regulation skills.
One of the best gifts you’ll ever give your partner is a willingness to work on yourself. Sharpening your emotion regulation skills can improve every aspect of your relationship, from communication to conflict resolution.
Read books, listen to podcasts, and see a therapist if necessary. Be open to learning how to manage your anger, deal with anxiety, tolerate frustration, cope with sadness, and grow from discomfort. Commit to sharpening your skills this year, and watch how much better you’ll feel and how much better your relationship will be next Valentine’s Day.
4. Proactively look for the positive things about your partner.
In the early days of your relationship, it was likely easy to excuse your partner’s mistakes and overlook the habits you don’t love. However, research shows the opposite happens over time. The longer you’ve been together, the more likely you are to overlook the positive and emphasize the negative.
After a decade together, you’re more likely to focus on the fact your partner forgot to pick up milk and forget about how much help around the house. Your brain becomes attuned to the negative, which can affect how you feel about them. You can counteract this by taking time to show gratitude. Use Valentine’s Day to share the top 10 things your partner did lately that you appreciate. Then, make it a habit to track the positive things you see and share them with your partner once a week.
5. Talk about boundaries.
While a conversation about boundaries may not seem like the most romantic thing you can do on Valentine’s Day, a critical conversation could improve your relationship for years to come.
Revisit the boundaries the two of you have to protect your relationship from the outside world. Are you letting friends intrude on your time together? Is your willingness to let the kids sleep in the bed interfering with intimacy? Are you allowing extended family to interfere with your relationship? When you develop a plan to protect your relationship, you’ll start working like a team that values what you’ve built together.
6. Schedule something fun to do together.
Research shows boredom kills more relationships than conflict. Boredom early in the relationship predicts greater marital dissatisfaction later on. So, it’s crucial that you and your partner work hard to keep the relationship fresh and exciting.
Find new things to do together—whether you sign up for a cooking class as a couple or explore a city you’ve never been to—little doses of fun and excitement spark positive feelings and strengthen your bond. Spend your Valentine’s Day dinner planning fun things to do throughout the year, and you’ll make that one dinner date have a huge impact on the future of your relationship.
7. Sign up for a couples therapy appointment (go by yourself if your partner isn’t interested).
You don’t have to wait until you’re having serious problems to see a couples therapist. Schedule an appointment to get a relationship check-up. You might discover new skills you can practice, areas you can improve, and existing strengths you can build on. If your partner isn’t interested, sign up for yourself and learn the steps you can take to improve the relationship, even if your partner isn’t invested in therapy.
References
Langeslag, Sandra J. E., and Kruti Surti. 2022. “Increasing Love Feelings, Marital Satisfaction, and Motivated Attention to the Spouse.” Journal of Psychophysiology, February. doi:10.1027/0269-8803/a000294.
Neff, L. A., & Buck, A. A. (2023). When Rose-Colored Glasses Turn Cloudy: Stressful Life Circumstances and Perceptions of Partner Behavior in Newlywed Marriage. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 14(6), 675-685. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506221125411
University of Michigan. “Seven-year Itch? Boredom Can Hurt A Marriage.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 29 April 2009. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090429172241.htm>.
Amy Morin, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.
Originally published at Psychology Today