How to stop being attracted to the wrong person.
By Andrea Mathews LPC, NCC
A silent scream echoes in her mind: “Why is this happening to me again?”
Why does she get attracted to and even marry the same kind of person every time? What is going on?
There are some answers to that question, but first we must know that the question cannot even be asked until we begin to see the pattern. Many of us marry Mr./Ms. Wrong again and again without even noticing the similarities between the partners we are picking. Many of us don’t even know we are picking—we think this whole thing of attraction is simply fate. So, getting conscious of the pattern is the first step. But then understanding why we are doing it is primary to changing the pattern.
Though there may be other reasons for the repeated attraction to Mr./Ms. Wrong, three are primary and must be considered in any attempt to undo the pattern.
We are attracted to unfinished business from our childhoods. The psyche does this in an attempt to finish the business, but since we don’t know that, we simply repeat, rinse, and repeat again. The closer we get, then, to finishing the business, the more likely it becomes that our next attraction will be to Mr./Ms. Right.
We are attracted to someone who props up the role we have lived out without even knowing it. Every time we adopt a role in childhood that we live out into adulthood, we are also going to need to have other people around us who help us stay in that role. So, for example, if I play the caregiver role most often in all of my relationships, then I’m going to need to be attracted to people who need my care, in order to prop up my role. If I need to play the victim, I’m going to need a bully or a caregiver to prop up my role. If I need to play the rescuer, I’m going to need to find people to rescue. And until we get clear on this role we are playing, we are not likely to stop being attracted to Mr./Ms. Wrong.
Fantasy. Of course, fantasy can be a part of either of the above but fantasy can stand alone as well. With fantasy, what we do is project all of the things we want onto the face and body of the person we are dating, and in our minds, they become Mr./Ms. Right. But, of course, since it’s just fantasy, he/she is still Mr./Ms. Wrong. So, it will take the cold water of reality to wake us up to the fact that the pattern here is that we unconsciously decide to live in a fantasy world instead of paying attention to the signs, signals, words, and actions that show us who s/he is.
Sometimes it is a mix of all three. The unfinished business means that there is some wound inside of me, an ancient wound from childhood, that needs healing. Very often the wound has to do with how we see ourselves. So, for example, if I marry an alcoholic or addict again and again, I might have to come to terms with the fact that Dad or Mom was also addicted and therefore, incapable of paying attention to me and being emotionally available to me. So, I marry that person again and again hoping that this time I’ll do it right. The assumption there, of course, is that I did something wrong in the first place—that Mom or Dad didn’t act like they loved me because there was something wrong with me. And I’m trying so hard to get it right this time. I’ll be more loving, more generous, live more in fantasy, pray more, or something that will finally prove to me that I’m lovable because I will finally fix it, s/he will finally quit using and just love me. But that can’t ever happen because the problem was never me. The problem was that my mother/father was so wound up in addiction that nothing else—including me—mattered. And now my current relationship is so wound up in addiction that I can’t matter to him/her either. When I can finally get it that it was never me—that heals the wound and I start being attracted to people who know how to love.
In the second scenario, I’ll have to come to terms with the fact that I’ve identified with a specific way of interacting with others that means I can only allow a certain type of person into my heart. This pattern, this identity, feels safe to me. I know how to be the rescuer, the superwoman, the victim, the bully, the scapegoat, the caregiver, the people pleaser, the runaway—whichever role I play it makes life seem familiar and that very familiarity makes me feel safe, if for no other reason than the fact that I always know what to do. But my authentic self is being hidden in the closet of my awareness so that I can play out this role—and my authentic self needs an authentic relationship. When I get in touch with that authenticity I’ve been hiding under the mask and costume of a role, I will see how much I need a real relationship and begin trying to get that for myself.
And in the third, we just need to start listening and watching for what is really happening right before our eyes. When he says hurtful things we need to be able to notice the pain that causes instead of pretending he didn’t really mean it. When she overly criticizes, we need to notice how that feels, instead of pretending that she’s just trying to help me be a better person. The more we pay attention to the real, the less we will find ourselves, yet again, in a relationship with Mr./Ms. Wrong.
Bottom line: We must begin to take responsibility for meeting our own needs, by paying attention to what we are up to. What unfinished business is still there, an aching wound, that I’m pretending isn’t really there? What role do I most often play in life? How does fantasy get me into trouble? Becoming conscious means I’m more likely to develop an authentic relationship with someone who knows how to love.
Originally published at Psychology Today