How to really get it.

By Andrea Mathews LPC, NCC

You have issues? Have relationship problems? Money problems? Problems dealing with stressors or adjusting to life on life’s terms? What do you need to help you fix this—or can it even be fixed?

It does seem that what the world—including each of us—needs is the full dose of love we missed out on somewhere back there in our childhoods. We need all that nurturing, touching, affectionate eye contact, connection, and even bonding that was missing in our dysfunctional families of origin.

But where, oh where are we going to get it? There’s so much loneliness out there, so much pain, so much dysfunction. Where is it possible to get that aching raw need met?

Believe it or not, it doesn’t happen by getting other people to love us. It doesn’t happen when we become popular or rich—though this is often the solution many people are seeking. No, we will not be satisfied even then. We will still look for that something else, that sweet something else that we don’t even know we crave.

It begins by looking deep into our own deepest essence and finding there someone we really do love. Maybe we don’t even know how much we love that stranger, but the real truth is that we’ve been trying to protect that unknown person all of our lives. We’ve been trying to survive, we say, but what does survival mean? Bottom line: It means we find a way to keep that deepest essence—which I call the soul or the authentic Self—safe and warm and dry. We really do love ourselves, even when we are not acting like it.

But most of us don’t know this—because we don’t know that deepest essence, that stranger in the mirror of our self-reflection. We only know our habits and our thoughts—which are often ruminating on all of the fears we have and social games we have to play. We only know our identities—those masks and costumes we’ve worn for so long and so deeply that we don’t even recognize a true Self anymore.

So, how can we come to know that stranger that is who we really are? How can we come to experience the love we have for him or her? First we have to recognize that there is someone deep inside whom we long to know and who longs to know us. We can recognize that through our deep desires. What is it that you truly want?

You might say you want money. So let’s say you can have lots and lots of money—now what do you have? Peace of mind, maybe? That, then, is what you really wanted—the money was just how you were going to get it.

And if peace of mind is what you are longing for, you are longing to connect to that deep inner essence where peace resides. That peace is inside you, or you would not ever really be able to experience it—for every real experience is an internal experience. And once you go there, you will come to know how to bond with and nurture your own soul.

Sit with the quiet of your silence. Sit in that stillness and look deep inside several times a week, maybe several times a day—and you will begin to be able to really meet your own needs—because you are what you are really looking for.

Originally published at Psychology Today