Many roads to contentment begin with self-forgiveness. It is among the most difficult—and most important—steps one can take.
The Person You Can’t Part With
Make amends with yourself and get on with life.
By Matt James, Ph.D.
Many of us know that forgiveness is a good thing. It frees us from bitterness and anger, two difficult emotions that can disrupt our physical health and hold us back. Often we’re consistent about forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves is more difficult. Understanding why self-forgiveness is hard can make it easier to practice.
We tend to think of ourselves on a continuum—we begin with the past, move briefly through the present, and head toward the future. Letting go of the past—or the past we have created in our minds—can feel shaky and tenuous, like a boat that has slipped its mooring. When we try to forgive ourselves, we’re trying to release something that feels as if it’s part of us. We’re releasing who we were at that moment. Of course, it feels easier to forgive someone else; we’re releasing a part of the past that doesn’t define us, unless we’ve told the story so frequently that we’ve built our identity around that narrative. In that case, it becomes hard to forgive the other person because the transgression and our reaction have become central to our identity.
To release that part of your past, remember that we’re all doing the best we can at any given moment. If we had known that the action would cause pain to others or ourselves, we wouldn’t have done it. And even if we knew that we were causing damage at the time, we had no idea how much we would regret it in the future. Retain the lesson from the event but release all else.
We register what we’ve done “wrong” mentally and physically. An injury to someone else might be accompanied by guilt, and such a mistake often brings sadness. If we try to forgive ourselves for a wrong without releasing that underlying emotion, the forgiveness doesn’t “take.” No matter how hard we try to forgive, we continue to beat ourselves up because our nervous system tells us to. We connect our regret to limiting beliefs such as: “I’m always saying the wrong things.” Instead, identify that limiting belief or negative emotion. When we release it, we find that forgiving ourselves is not that difficult.
Seeing ourselves as flawed can feel vulnerable, even scary. We’re wired to survive, but those who make too many mistakes tend to get ousted from the gene pool. Even our education system tells us that anything that is not “right” is “bad” and deserves some form of punishment. We avoid making mistakes, but when we do make a misstep, the first impulse is to hide it. To forgive ourselves, we first have to admit that we blew it. We have to take ownership and acknowledge the slipup, which counters our sense of survival. Mistakes, failures, and stupid choices are part of being human. It’s how we learn and grow. If we’re never embarrassed or wrong and if we never make a mistake, we’re probably staying within a narrow comfort zone. Appreciate the misstep for what it is, a stepping stone on the path forward.
It’s easier to forgive a person whom we really love. If our trusting, loving friend or significant other does something that hurts, we are likely to see that transgression as a one-time event. We refer back to the goodness and the love in them. Many of us, however, don’t have loving, trusting relationships with ourselves. We are much more critical of ourselves than we are of others. We’ll give other people the benefit of the doubt but won’t cut ourselves any such slack. When we’re dealing with a person we don’t trust or like, most often we can choose to forgive, release the hurt, and simply avoid contact with that person. With ourselves, that’s not an option. We cannot quit, divorce, or walk away. Loving and appreciating the self is key.
Matt James, Ph.D., is the author of The Foundation of Huna: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Times.
Originally published at Psychology Today