By Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D.
Negative events are a fact of life. Because they register powerfully, they have an uncanny ability to overtake our mental machinery. My career as a psychologist has been devoted to understanding the ways that facing pain without knowing how to feel leads people to logical, reasonable—and pathological—practices that our judgmental minds readily recommend but that keep us stuck in the past. I learned some things the way everyone else does.
My Dad was an exploder who used alcohol to keep the lid on, which only made the inevitable explosions more violent and frightening. In early elementary school, I vividly remember watching my Dad ripping the screeching pink-and-cream two-tone Plymouth station wagon out of our driveway in an angry rage and seeing my brother tumble out of the opened tailgate onto the street. I was scared, horrified. But that wasn’t said—I would not have known how. Dominant as they were in our house, emotions were barely mentioned at all.
My Mom was an emotional suppressor whose very pores oozed a sense of dark dread. Even at age 8, I knew it was not rational to talk constantly of germs and to wash your hands until they bled. That made sense only recently when I learned from a relative that my grandmother had committed suicide and my Mom unfairly took the blame. She could not help me then with frightening feelings—she was desperately staying away from her own. I knew that my parents loved me, but in a home wet with anger and dark secrets, I also learned that emotions were … dangerous.
No wonder I had my first panic attack two decades later as a young academic watching a group of professors fight in a way only wild animals and full professors are capable of. Years of emotional rage and neglect had taught my nervous system that emotions were dangerous. But what does one then do with pain?
In my long career as a psychologist studying human nature and the causes of human suffering, I have been struck by the ways people inadvertently impede their own healing. Here are 10 suggestions for alleviating the pain of trauma past.
Don’t Deny Your Pain
When you cut yourself, your body will try to heal—whether you acknowledge your body or not. Psychological wounds are different. You cannot begin psychological healing until you acknowledge and describe your pain—because self-invalidation cuts even deeper. Life will not give you a pass just because you were taught and internalized “Boys don’t cry” or “Wear your big-girl pants.” You can heal only if you feel, and learning how starts with acknowledgement.
Show Up
When you are hurting, you may want to curl up in a blanket on your couch. Although that’s great for a Sunday afternoon, it’s not a way to live your life. While you close yourself off from the world, life continues without you. When you excessively avoid what is painful, you also avoid what is rich and meaningful.
Observe Your Emotions
Eyes closed, jaws clenched, “powering through” can itself be further traumatizing. Even if you do what is important, you still reinforce that it’s unsafe (or you wouldn’t resist it). Instead, slow down and breathe. Carefully notice your body. Observe and describe—more like watching a sunset or listening to a crying child than doing a math problem. Give your emotions a name. Let your mind and body know that it’s safe for you to see what hasn’t been seen, to feel what hasn’t been felt, and to voice what hasn’t been said.
Move Toward Yourself, Not Away from Pain
Distraction is a two-edged sword. The problem is not the traction, it’s the dis that states, “It’s not OK to be me!” Stop dissing yourself! Find the traction to move toward. Take that hot bath or listen to that cool music because you love it and deserve self-care. Don’t do it as a diss.
Let Pain Be a Guide
Your mind may suggest that you wallow in pain forever—for specialness or to prove how unfair it all is. Don’t take the bait. Pain is not a badge of honor—it’s how we learn what’s important and what needs care and attention. Use pain as a goad and guide. Let it help you get unstuck, then work to correct what is unfair.
Don’t Cling to Feeling “Good”
When we feel good, we may want it to last forever. The instant we cling to these feelings, they begin to fade. Like a bird sitting on your shoulder, the moment you try to grab it, it flies away. Enjoy good feelings while they last but let them go in their own time. Fixed emotions cannot teach.
Show Yourself Some Kindness and Compassion
Minds can be unkind. Seeing the struggle, you start asking, What is wrong with me? and Why is this so hard? You invite yourself into a spiral of judgment and self-blame. When you’re feeling down, don’t add more weight—extend yourself a helping hand. Show yourself kindness when you feel as though you least deserve it.
Take the Time It Takes to Heal
You did what all the articles have told you, but you are still hooked. Don’t rush along! The goal is to gradually learn to let emotions play the proper role in your life. “Healing” means “whole” and learning to be whole cannot be rushed. It needs time and patience. Dare to give that to yourself.
Find Purpose
We are willing to take on pain if it’s safe and has a real purpose. In the gym you exercise safely but vigorously, knowing muscle aches are part of creating strength and flexibility. Same here. Follow the steps above and your body and unconscious programming will get the safety message. But the purpose? That’s up to you. To help yourself heal, it is crucial that you see, choose, and embrace your purpose. Without purpose, pain is a meaningless struggle.
Reach Out
Children of emotional neglect believe they need to heal on their own. The nonsense of “don’t burden others” deprives us of the comfort of friends and the exchange of wise guidance. We are the social primates, meant to travel together. Whether it be your family, friends, a therapist, or even an online group, dare to reach out for support and use what you learn to help and support others.
Pain often comes from outside, unbidden. Neglectful mistakes are learned things we do, but that means they can be changed! The work comes from within. Acknowledge your pain, recognize your mind’s needless defenses, and learn how to use feelings to foster a free life full of purpose, love, and meaning. Done in the right way, feeling is healing. n
Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D., is the originator of acceptance and commitment therapy and the author of A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters.
Originally published at Psychology Today