1. Nurture it like a living, breathing thing.
By George S. Everly, Jr. PhD, ABPP, FACLP
As I write this, my youngest daughter is preparing for her wedding day. In fact, we just went through a rehearsal at the outdoor venue, which is, parenthetically, awaiting a hurricane (timing is everything).
On the day of the wedding, as father of the bride, I will be asked to make a toast and share some reflections as well as perhaps some advice about what makes a happy and enduring relationship. The good news is that what I say will be anchored in more than cryptic speculation. Psychological science has been studying the dynamics of relationships for literally decades.
And so, I shall pass some of that insight along to the newlyweds. That said, I shall also embrace the prerogative, if not obligation, to share perspectives gained over 50 years of my own case-study empiricism.
Beware: Change is the Only Constant in Life
Though statistics vary, it is estimated that 44 percent of marriages end in divorce. The average length of a first marriage is estimated at 7 to 8 years. Why? There are likely many reasons for divorce at the granular level, but looking at overarching processes, we see something quite revealing.
The 6th-century philosopher Heraclitus once noted that change is the only constant in life. Relationships are dynamic processes. Intra-relationship dynamics most surely change with time. Successful relationships adapt with time and experience. Unsuccessful relationships fail to adapt.
In enduring relationships, the things that were once associated with the spark of initial attraction often lose their importance and are replaced with other processes which serve to sustain the relationship for the “long haul.” Relationship expectations seem to be evolving across generations, as well. What was important to couples in the 1950s may be unimportant to couples today.
5 Things that Make for a Successful Enduring Relationship
1. Nurturing. Like a child, the relationship itself is a “living breathing thing.” And like a child, it must be nurtured. Successful relationships not only focus on what’s best for one person or the other, they focus on what’s best for the relationship.
2. Open communication. Relationships are built on communication. There is no such thing as a healthy communication vacuum. If you are not communicating honestly, your partner is imagining the worst, and planning accordingly.
3. Positive communication. Communications within successful relationships are biased to the positive. Some research suggests that successful relationships contain five positive/supportive comments for each negative/critical comment. Relationships simply cannot withstand constant criticism (no matter how well-intentioned) and bickering. They place a pall over the relationship.
4. Trust. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Unwavering commitment is the stuff of which trust is made.
5. Vision, strategy, and tactics. Lastly, a shared vision for the future, as well as a tolerance for uncertainty, serve to fuel successful relationships. The 19th-century American poet and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom.”
But vision alone is not enough. There must be a dynamic agreement on the strategic plan regarding how to realize the vision, as well as an agreement on the tactical role each partner will play. Consistent with Emerson as he wrote in his 1841 essay “Self-Reliance,” there is a time in every couple’s life when they recognize envy is ignorance, imitation is self-destruction, that they must accept themselves for better or worse, and realize the greatest happiness and success come from their own efforts, not from the hands of others.
© 2022, George S. Everly, Jr., Ph.D.
George S. Everly, Jr., Ph.D. serves on the faculties of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and The Johns Hopkins School of Medicine
Originally published at Psychology Today